Home | News | Contact Us | Subscribe | Advertise | Classifieds
Subscription Home The Times of Noblesville, IN | Noblesville, in

Subscription Login


Opinion Page
• Columnists
• Paula Dunn
• Betsy Reason
• Rep. Kathy Kreag Richardson
• City of Noblesville
• Joy in the Journey
• Dick Wolfsie
• Dr John Roberts
• Guest Columnist
Photo Galleries
Traffic Cams
The Times Video
Police Blotter
Marriage licenses
Newspapers In Education
2017 Readers' Choice

The Times
Expertise: Hamilton County's Only Local Online News Source
920 S. Logan St, Suite 101 Noblesville, IN 46060

home : columnists : columnists September 20, 2017

What a pain

By Dick Wolfsie
Funny Bone

"It really hurts," I said to my wife as my knee buckled under me.

"Good," said Mary Ellen.

That's not the kind of support you expect from your spouse. It's bad enough I have virtually no support from my knee, which is why I'm getting a new one next week. Unlike a heart or kidney, you do not get someone else's knee: it pretty much comes in a box like a pair of shoes from Amazon Prime. You just have to pray it's going to fit. And there's a lousy return policy.

Now let me explain my wife's apparent lack of sympathy. Every time I've had a couple of pain-free days, I've started to question whether I really need this operation. This drives Mary Ellen nuts. When we go on vacation, my wife wants to hike all morning and go to museums in the afternoon, and I usually hurt too much to tag along. To end this agony, I'll need a new knee. To avoid going shopping, I'll need a new excuse.

And I have another issue. I have never spent a night in a hospital in my life, and I'm afraid I will get very antsy and impatient until I get to go home. I've stopped going to the Minute Clinic at CVS because the last time I was there, it took them twice as long to treat me as the name suggests.

Mary Ellen and I arrived at the surgical center for a pre-op class and were directed down a corridor that said JOINT HEALTH. I'm a big advocate of medical marijuana, so this was a good start. Kimberly, the RN conducting the class, wanted each of the attendees to know that no matter which surgeon was performing our operation, he was the very best. There were six of us having this procedure¬-all with different docs-so it was pretty obvious that five of us were being hoodwinked. The previous week, Dr. Estes told me he had done 1,700 knee operations. That made me feel better, but I've done 7,800 TV shows and I still mess up more than half the time.

Kimberly taught us several exercises and carefully went over guidelines we had to follow prior to surgery. I always have trouble concentrating, but I remembered her saying no alcohol four hours prior to surgery. Despite my love for beer, that seemed manageable. My wife claimed she said four weeks. I went with Mary Ellen's recollection because she's a better listener, and that's why I wanted her with me through the entire orientation. When I went in for my EKG, the nurse told Mary Ellen she need not accompany me during the procedure, "unless you'd get a kick out of watching me rip the adhesive pads off your husband's hairy chest."

The last stop during the pre-op visit was the hospitalist, the physician who looks at all your medications to help avoid any complications with the anesthesia. The nurse referred to him as "our very own medicine man," which made me so nervous my knees started to shake. That made my bad knee really hurt-which is why when we left the hospital, Mary Ellen was feeling pretty good about everything.

Dick Wolfsie has written 12 books and has been a television personality for 30 years. His humor column appears Saturdays in The Times.

Article Comment Submission Form
Please feel free to send us your comments.

Article comments are not posted immediately to the Web site. Each submission must be approved by the Web site editor, who may edit content for appropriateness. There may be a delay of 24-48 hours for any submission while the web site editor reviews and approves it.

Note: All information on this form is required. Your telephone number is for our use only, and will not be attached to your comment.
Submit an Article Comment
First Name:
Last Name:
Anti-SPAM Passcode Click here to see a new mix of characters.
This is an anti-SPAM device. It is not case sensitive.

Advanced Search

Home | News | Contact Us | Subscribe | Advertise | Classifieds

© 2017
The Times
a division of Sagamore News Media
920 S. Logan St, Suite 101 Noblesville, IN 46060
(317) 770-7777

Software © 1998-2017 1up! Software, All Rights Reserved