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home : columnists : dick wolfsie May 22, 2017


Letter perfect
There should be a law against having phone numbers that denote words instead of, well, numbers. Hello! It's a phone number, not a phone word. I hosted a TV segment last week for a national organization that is dedicated to educating people about a common, but potentially serious, illness. Their phone number spells the name of the disease.
Wednesday, May 17, 2017
Biting humor
Arriving in my mailbox today was the mid-spring edition of the Hammacher Schlemmer gift catalog, packed with previously advertised items they still can't unload (which I have probably made fun of in past columns), along with some brand new items I am about to skewer.
Sunday, April 30, 2017
Sleep discussion revived
Remember Arshid Chowdhury? I wrote about him years ago when he invented something called a sleep pod, a high-tech structure that can still be seen in several airports around the country. Crawl into the enclosure, and you can catch 40 winks in the middle of the day for about 20 bucks, or about 50 cents a wink. (Before we all got so politically correct, I'd have made a funny joke about my reputation of innocently-and inexpensively-flirting with the ladies.
Wednesday, April 19, 2017
Death by cookie? First ever Oreo-related lawsuit filed
We hear a lot about frivolous lawsuits, but we don't hear nearly enough about the delicious ones, so here's a tasty bit of gossip: A guy from Kentucky is suing the company that makes Oreo cookies. He asserts that Oreos are slowly killing him. So what's the problem? This sounds like a fun way to die.
Wednesday, April 12, 2017
Yellow Journalism
The nice lady offering free samples at Costco asked if I wanted to actually buy a box of the quiche I was nibbling on (after I had eaten six pieces). I'm kind of a health nut, so I didn't purchase any; they just had way too much sodium and saturated fat.

An hour later, my Costco cart was laden with soft drinks, garbage bags, a snow tire and a year's supply of salsa.

Wednesday, April 5, 2017
Just fine for parking!
My mother, rest her soul, drove her 1997 Buick until almost 90...and sometimes faster. She was in great health at age 87, but it irked her that many of her friends had handicap license plates that allowed them to park closer to the grocery store. She'd get out of her car and drag her foot along the ground to appear disabled. The A&P manager overlooked it. He wasn't as lenient on the shoplifting charges, though.
Wednesday, March 29, 2017
Grand vacation, redux
Mary Ellen is planning our 2017 summer vacation. She wants to go to the Canadian Rockies. I get nervous about trips like this. Sometimes we get on each other's nerves when we travel together and it looks like this time we're going to have a particularly rocky start...and finish.

Back in 2007, we took a trip to the Grand Canyon, the only place in America where you're allowed to drag your kid to the precipice of one of the world's deepest chasms, but they put you in the slammer if you feed a squirrel.

Wednesday, March 22, 2017
Ants in the pants
I gave my wife a Fitbit this past Christmas. In her attempt to reach that 10,000-step goal, she is continually checking the wristband and monitoring her progress. The other day I walked into the living room and she was shaking her arms wildly back and forth while watching TV. "What are you doing?" I asked.
Monday, March 13, 2017
Richard, The Goodhearted
Richard Simmons has not been seen in public in a long time. Here is my memory of our friendship with the hope he is doing well.

It was the fall of 1983 in Indianapolis, and I remember doing the classic comedy double-take, snapping my head to the side as I looked incredulously at the cover of The Globe newspaper, one of several trashy tabloids at supermarket check-outs.

Thursday, March 9, 2017
The Proof Is in the Putting!
Happy 15th (fifteenth?) anniversary to Heidi. Heidi is my proofreader (proof-reader?). Everything I've written for the last 15 (fifteen?) years is first sent to her via e-mail (email?) to make sure there are no spelling or usage errors. This week she is very busy with an out of town (out-of-town?) commitment, so I'm doing my own proofing. If I said I wasn't nervous, well that would be a bald-faced (bold-faced?) lie.
Wednesday, February 22, 2017



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