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home : columnists : dick wolfsie December 13, 2017


Gift of Christmas presents
This is part 2 of my favorite Hammacher Schlemmer offerings over the past 10 years. Many are still available in their unique gift catalog. So, for the person who has everything (or really doesn't care what he gets), consider one of these necessities:
Wednesday, December 13, 2017
House husband
We were watching TV one evening last week when my wife asked, "Don't you think it's about time we moved?"

"Sure," I said. "I'll stretch out on the floor with a pillow; you take the couch."

Apparently that is not what she meant. After 30 years in our house, Mary Ellen now thinks we should be living in a condo, a place where the owners don't have to mow or water the lawn or shovel snow. My son will be disappointed if we move. He was making good money doing all that.

Wednesday, November 29, 2017
A few words over condiments: Hold the mayo
Mary Ellen and I recently exchanged a few words over mayonnaise. Sometimes condiments can be seen as an insult to the chef. Like ketchup, for example. When I pour Heinz over my wife's beef bourguignon, we always get into a stew.

Mustard? Yes, we have argued about mustard, too. Over the years I have attempted to season some of my wife's dishes with a healthy dose of this condiment. What would her Pork Milanese have been without mustard? Uneventful.

Wednesday, November 22, 2017
Keep your chin up
Lately I've been spending an inordinate amount of time looking in the mirror, concerned that the years have taken a toll on me and that I have aged quite a bit. My wife says I'm crazy, and to be that obsessed with my own looks makes me appear very elfish. (I hope she meant selfish. My ears were the only part of my face that I thought hadn't aged.)
Tuesday, November 14, 2017
How come you're not funny at home?
Mary Ellen was kind enough to pass along a comment she had heard about me at her book club. "Kathy says your newspaper column makes her laugh."

"Gee, thanks for sharing that, Mary Ellen."

"Yes, and, Cara, the organizer of the group, told me she thinks you're quite amusing on TV."

"Wow, I sure appreciate the compliments."

"But Dick, I have to ask you this: How come you're not so funny at home?"

Wednesday, November 8, 2017
The spin on spinach
Following my knee operation, my doctor informed me that I'd developed borderline anemia. I don't even know how that's possible. Since the new administration took over, I'm afraid to cross any borders.

My physician suggested I focus on a healthy, high-protein diet, heavy on foods like kale, spinach, hearty cuts of beef, and a bowl of Raisin Bran every day. Fortunately these are already some of my food faves-including the spinach-which I even liked when I was a kid.

Wednesday, November 1, 2017
Having nightmares about a sit-down lunch
Now that Mary Ellen has retired and I'm significantly cutting back on work, we often end up being home together around noon. In many homes, this is called lunchtime, but Mary Ellen and I have never shared a real lunchtime. For all of our marriage, we weren't ever both home during the workweek, and on weekends I usually went to Costco and snarfed up free food samples. In 37 years of our cohabbing, I have never asked Mary Ellen, "What are we having for lunch?"
Thursday, October 26, 2017
Talking trash
When I wrote last week's column about my recent knee replacement surgery, many people responded with expressions of sympathy. Not for me, but for my wife, who has had to pester me every day to do my exercises, which can be very painful. The pestering, I mean.

To help pass the time while I was moaning and groaning, Mary Ellen decided to tackle a job she had been putting off: going through kitchen drawers to see what we have accumulated in them over the years...and what should be thrown out.

Wednesday, October 11, 2017
Liar liar liar
I'm a liar. A no good, rotten liar.

My awareness of this started a few weeks back when I wrote a column about my recent family vacation. We went to Banff in the Canadian Rockies. (That part was true.) Then I related how, before our return flight, I sent my digital camera through the security scanner. (Totally factual.) And how it was stolen when I left it behind in the tray. (Correct, again.)

Wednesday, September 27, 2017



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