Thanksgiving will no doubt be different this year. I know there will be less weight gain at the Wolfsies’ because Mary Ellen is requiring that we put on our mask between every bite. That will slow down the time to consume the meal, which, according to my wife, results in less food intake. This is why I try to hide her holiday editions of Prevention magazine.
Despite the pandemic, every morning the TV shows will have a nutritional expert advising us how to cut down our T-day meal from 5,000 calories to a mere 4,300 by substituting yogurt for mayonnaise. Yuck. Then five minutes later, some chef will be whipping up a lemon chiffon cream cheese pie.
Here’s a look at some of the stupid advice that will be clogging your airways. By the way, avoid eating the candied yams too quickly. That also can clog your airways.
DON’T SIT DOWN ON AN EMPTY STOMACH:
No, use a chair. But seriously, if you’re afraid you’ll eat too much, experts say eat a little something before you sit down at the table. Like a drumstick and a bowl of mashed potatoes. Then you’ll only eat half as much for dinner.
EAT SMALLER PORTIONS:
Everyone I have ever known who did this on Thanksgiving or Christmas did it only so they had room for three more pieces of that lemon chiffon cream cheese pie (see above).
TAKE A WALK AFTER DINNER:
Statistics show that it takes the average American half an hour to walk off 50 calories. I’m no fitness expert, but at that blinding rate, you could erase most of the calories from that holiday meal by simply strolling from Indiana to Puerto Rico. Yes, if you do the swimming part, you will be 1,500 calories ahead.
PUT YOUR FORK DOWN BETWEEN BITES:
My uncle Sidney was a big advocate of this technique. He managed to eat 50 percent less this way, but he also gulped down a six-pack of Bud Lite in between all the bites. I remember one Thanksgiving where he eliminated the need for a fork completely. I think my wife’s mask technique is more effective.
TIGHTEN YOUR BELT A NOTCH SO YOU FEEL FULL:
Hoosiers go the other way. Many wear dress sweat pants on Turkey Day to allow for maximum expansion. In Kentucky, some people at Thanksgiving don’t even wear pants.
TAKE WHAT YOU WANT, THEN JUST EAT HALF:
This actually works, as long as you don’t start by putting twice as much on your plate to begin with.
On a slightly different note, do not watch any of the TV documentaries that destroy all the folklore about Thanksgiving. You’ll be told the Pilgrims likely didn’t eat turkey, so the idea of stuffing would never have dawned on them. They had no cranberry-orange relish; they didn’t have any forks; there wasn’t a single string bean casserole on the table, assuming they had tables. And the Indians weren’t invited. (They crashed the party.) The next day no stores were open, so the Pilgrims had no access to good deals on trinkets on Black Friday.
This is a very stressful time in the world, but count the blessings you have. That’s why we call it Thanksgiving, which by the way, the Pilgrims probably didn’t.

Dick Wolfsie appears weekdays on television sharing his humor, stories and video essays. His column appears weekly in The Paper of Montgomery County. E-mail Dick at Wolfsie@ aol.com.