The Sage of Being Wolfsie’s Phone

Hi! This is Dick Wolfsie’s newest cell phone. The old phone talked to you many years ago, but since I have taken over the job, I wanted to update everyone on how things are going. Now that Dick is retired, I figured things would be easy compared to previous years when he was running around the city, interviewing people and making follow-up calls about his TV segments. Boy, was I wrong.

He has misplaced me 43 times in the past 18 months. Of course, I was never really lost. I knew exactly where I was (I have GPS).

This past week has been something. On Sunday, I was at a movie with Dick and his lovely wife. First, I was in his back pocket, then he placed me in the little cupholder next to his seat. Then he walked out of the movie without me, but he came back into the empty theater and called me from Mary Ellen’s phone. Success! By the way, I loved the movie.

So, we all headed home. He tossed me into the car and I fell between the seats. He started looking for me while driving. This is more dangerous than texting. He found me. He also found his lost AARP card and a $100.00 Blockbuster gift card.

Monday morning, he took a shower and as he was drying off he put me in the pocket of his bathrobe, since he was waiting for a call.  There was no way he was going to remember where I was once he hung up the robe.  I knew where I was going to spend the entire night.

Tuesday, 8 a.m., he started looking for me. He checked every dresser drawer, under the bed, and even the freezer (where he once left me for three days).  He called me from his landline but my battery was dead from having spent the night in the bathroom. I tried to muster every ounce of energy. I even tried to vibrate a little. No luck.

Wednesday, Dick finally found me in his robe pocket when he showered again, but later he threw me in his briefcase on the way to a speech he was giving. I landed in one of those divider compartments. When he got home later, he looked for me, but I was well hidden and he couldn’t find me.

By Saturday, he was desperate. Dick headed to the cell phone store to buy a replacement. His contract was almost expired, so they made him a deal on a sexy new model with a lot of extra bells and whistles. It looked like the end of me. I was going to be cellular non grata.

Dick got back in the car and headed home.  Suddenly, he had a flash of insight. He pulled over, grabbed the briefcase, turned it upside down and shook it.   I managed to fall onto the driver’s seat. I was okay, but I had been without a charge for what seemed like an eternity. I was spent.

Sunday, we headed back to the phone store. He told the clerk he didn’t want the new phone. He had found me and wanted me back. I was touched. My circuits welled up.

Last night, Dick stuck me in his sweatpants pocket while he was exercising in the basement.  I’m now in the bottom of the laundry basket. Don’t expect to reach Dick any time soon. He only does the laundry once a week.

Dick Wolfsie spent his career sharing his humor, stories and video essays on television, radio and in newspapers. His columns appear weekly in The Paper of Montgomery County. E-mail Dick at Wolfsie@