I’ve Got A Running Total

“Where are you?” asked my wife when she called me on my cell phone one afternoon. “I’m in Walmart,” I answered. “Oh. Are you running errands?” “No, just running…or jogging, to be more precise. Running in the aisles is not permitted. I just heard a mother say that to her kid.” “Why are you doing…

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Permission Has Been Granted

My church’s men’s group recently had a discussion about who was the boss in our homes.  Many of the members had never thought about it and didn’t know how to respond. I told them I was sure I was the boss, but I wanted to check with my wife to see if she agreed with…

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600 Words To The Wise!

MONDAY: People sometimes ask me if I can finish a column in one sitting (like I do with Denny’s Grand Slam breakfast) or if I dabble with it, like my wife’s spinach soufflé. I’ve used both methods, but the pressure of completing a story in one day has taken its toll. I’m not as young…

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Trash Talk

When I was a kid, after dinner we cleared the table and scraped whatever was left on our plates into a kitchen garbage bag. That bag was then dumped in one of two huge metal drums on the side of our house that were below ground. Not buried treasure: buried trash. On Mondays some guy…

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My Marriage in Jeopardy

For decades, Mary Ellen and I have been fans of the show Jeopardy.  Every night at 7:30 we watch to see how long it takes for us to feel really stupid. I often say, I used to know that but I forgot, which is pretty much the same thing as not knowing the answer…I mean…

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Meditation Repudiation

Mary Ellen and I just got back from a trip to visit my sister and brother. In my sister’s lovely condominium in Great Neck, New York, she has a little windowed room off her kitchen that’s no more than 6 by 8 feet. In that room she meditates every day, and she claims she has…

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How to Read a Redhead!

My wife is a redhead. We went to New York last month and several strangers commented about how thick and beautiful her hair is. Sometimes when I ask Mary Ellen what she is planning for the next morning, she’ll say, “Washing my hair.” Then I say, “Okay, how about tomorrow afternoon?” And she says, “Drying…

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Spreading the News

Whenever I read a newspaper article that begs to become the basis of my next humor column, I cut it out and save it.  Then I forget where I put it.  (I also do that with car titles, birth certificates, and my life insurance policy.)  But here’s one rich article I did find on my…

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More Cutting Remarks

Mary Ellen is insightful enough to know that in most of my columns I’m poking fun at myself. Take last week, for example. Wait, that’s not a good example. You see, last week, I gently chided my loving wife in my column for having no desire to mow the lawn. It was not one of…

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