This is Part Two of my look back at 2022 with appreciation for those people, places and things that made my column possible. So, thanks…
…to the cashier at Walmart who had been watching me as I jogged around the entire store several times to avoid the freezing weather and still get in my 15,000 steps. While running, I picked up a $10.00 pair of warm gloves, but she said my total was $14.89.
“What’s the extra charge?” I asked.
“Mileage,” she said.
…to the clerk at the dollar store who was at the register the day the prices went up to $1.25. I bought a balloon for a party I was going to, not aware of the price increase.
“Why are the balloons so high?” I asked.
“Because we put helium in them,” she responded.
…to my sister who encouraged me to meditate to deal with my insomnia. “I do it every day,” she said. “I feel like I am one with everything.” That was good enough for me, because that’s the way I order a hot dog at Costco.
…to Mary Ellen, who is critical of how I mow the lawn. One day she detailed all of the things I do wrong, like not keeping the rows straight and not properly mulching. After she finished, I told her I felt very emasculated. “That reminds me,” she added, “I think the blades need sharpening.”
…to whoever makes remote controls. You guys need to find a way to prevent them from disappearing just before people need them. I connected my remote to a long piece of dental floss and tied it to the leg of the couch. Now I not only find the device quickly, but I also have 27 percent less plaque between my teeth.
…to the tech guys at the cell phone store who laughed when I told them I once left my phone in the freezer after I tried to extricate a pint of ice cream that was stuck in there.
“Did the phone work when you found it?” asked the salesmen.
“Yes,” I said, “but the screen was frozen for two days.”
…to the Prevagen people who make a supplement that supposedly improves your memory. Mary Ellen and I both took the pills for a few weeks. One night Mary Ellen was annoyed with me. “I am hurt because you once told me I was starting to look a little chubby in a bathing suit,” she said.
“Wow, that was 40 years ago.”
“I know, I just remembered.”
…to me, for not realizing until the middle of some movies that I may have already viewed them. Recently my wife and I were watching Toy Story 3 and I was sure we hadn’t seen it, since one of the characters didn’t look familiar.
“You don’t recognize Mr. Potato Head? He was also in Toy Story 2.”
“Well, maybe he had a different nose.”
And a final shout-out to the Hammacher Schlemmer gift catalog. My favorite item in this year’s holiday edition is the Side Sleeper’s Ergonomic Pillow: Ideal for someone who is sleeping with someone on the side. The pillow adjusts to your head and neck and provides support. Providing support is what you will have to do if you get caught.
Dick Wolfsie spent his career sharing his humor, stories and video essays on television, radio and in newspapers. His columns appear weekly in The Paper of Montgomery County. E-mail Dick at Wolfsie@ aol.com.