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  • Needing pest control for my new Apple Watch
    1/22/2021 My brother-in-law Tom gave me a generous gift for Christmas, an Apple Watch Series 5. Tom is a techie kind of guy. He once worked at an Apple Genius Bar and got a promotion for thinking on the job. I once worked at a bar and was fired for drinking on the job.  
    Tom always wants the latest cutting-edge technical wizardry, which explains the six different air fryers in his kitchen.
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  • Floss, brush, spit and rinse? Or is it . . .
    1/15/2021 I called my friend yesterday. “Hi, Bob, it’s Dick. I have a weird question to ask you. Mary Ellen and I disagree on what most people do. When you are finished brushing your teeth, do you rinse and spit or just spit?”
    “Geesh, Dick, I have never thought about that until now. I’ll call you back at the end of your column.”
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  • Arranging refrigerators, jackets and marriages
    1/8/2021 When we got married and were planning our future, we decided one would be enough, although many of our friends had two. Two was never in our plans, but things happen. We ended up keeping the older one in the basement.
    Yes, we have two refrigerators. One in the kitchen, one on the lower level.
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  • I’m sorry did you say toffee . . . oh, you said coffee
    1/5/2021 I’ve missed doing a number of things this past year. I used to love going to the movies with my wife, going out to dinner with my wife, and going food shopping WITHOUT my wife. She is meticulous about what she buys and spends more time squeezing a melon then I spend picking out a new car. When I did go with her to a grocery, she was judgmental about my choices. No matter what I would sneak into in the cart, she’d notice those items at the check-out. 
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  • Ruining the Christmas surprise, or just Christmas
    12/18/2020 The first Christmas after Mary Ellen and I got married we discovered that we had a true cultural divide when it came to gift giving. In my family, Christmas gifts had to be a surprise. It was inappropriate to ask for something specific. Christmas morning was all about the anticipation of what you might be getting. It wasn’t what you necessarily wanted, but it was exciting.
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  • Hunkered down and scared to death of each other
    12/4/2020 My wife and I have been getting along so well during the pandemic, I don’t think we realize how unhappy we are. I don’t mean unhappy with each other; I mean antsy from being home all the time. We are more hunkered down now than we were in early summer. Mary Ellen has decided that with the increased COVID cases during the holidays, I should not be popping in and out of stores.
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  • Pizza in a Can and Christmas Dinner in a Can
    11/27/2020 My son Brett has wisely chosen to bring his lunch to work every day, avoiding dining in restaurants during the pandemic. I asked him what he was taking to eat in his company’s breakroom, and his response was: frozen peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. I had never heard of these and bought a box out of curiosity (you have to defrost them first) and now I’m hooked on the stupid things.
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  • Wolfsies’ Thanksgiving without any thanks to 2020
    11/20/2020 Thanksgiving will no doubt be different this year. I know there will be less weight gain at the Wolfsies’ because Mary Ellen is requiring that we put on our mask between every bite. That will slow down the time to consume the meal, which, according to my wife, results in less food intake. This is why I try to hide her holiday editions of Prevention magazine.
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  • Making a healthy choice, or covering an unhealthy one
    11/13/2020 Every Sunday morning, we Zoom with our fellow church members. We begin by praying…that the link will work. I don’t like Zoom. I always fear I’ll end up in the center square, and I’m not as funny as Paul Lynde on Hollywood Squares. Or worse, I’ll be in a bottom square and I’m not as good looking as the father on the Brady Bunch.
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  • Working to run a pitch perfect game
    11/6/2020 Last week, when the Los Angeles Dodgers defeated the Tampa Bay Rays in game six of the World Series, 94-year-old Carl Erskine sat on his couch in Anderson, Indiana, and savored the moment. It had been 32 years since the Dodgers were last victorious in the October Classic, but 65 years since this Hoosier-born pitcher sat in the dugout at Yankee Stadium and watched fellow teammate Johnny Podres defeat the Yankees in game seven. It was the first time the Dodgers had won the series—ever.
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Saturday, January 23, 2021

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