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  • 2/9/2019 It was 7 p.m. Sunday night and Mary Ellen and I were having the same conversation we always have at that time. “Is this the week we put out the recycling?” I asked my wife.
    “No, we put it out last week, didn’t we?”
    “We did, but they didn’t pick it up, so it must be this week.”
    “But I think we put it out too late and we simply missed the truck,” said Mary Ellen. “Well, does anyone else have their recycle bin out?”
    “Yes, Jerry has his out,” I said.
    “You can’t go by him. Jerry puts it out every Monday, Dick. He’s the cause of the confusion every week.”
  • 2/2/2019 This was in the ad I saw last week:
    “The McDonald’s free bacon offer will take place on Jan. 29, 2019. Customers may add bacon to anything for free.”
    Yes, bacon on your fries, in your McFlurry, on your Big Mac, in your back pack, and in one selected drive-thru (on a test basis, only) directly in your mouth.
    Many food-related industries have tried to take advantage of the bacon craze.
  • 1/26/2019 “My wife doesn’t understand me.” It’s a common complaint uttered by men sitting in bars. Of course, that’s not where I picked it up. I probably overheard it at the barber shop. My problem is that my wife does understand me. Heidi, my proofreader, is also on to me. I try so darn hard to be misunderstood, but women all have my number.  I’m so clueless, I don’t even know what my own number is. How the heck did they get it?
  • 1/19/2019 At first glance, it seemed like a pretty good deal.  Enjoy a complimentary $25.00 gift card from one of the local supermarkets.  All it required was answering a few questions online. I figured it was a marketing scam. I wasn’t born yesterday. In fact, as you’ll see, I was born 100 years ago.
    I had to agree to certain contractual terms, including giving my permission for the research firm to forward my responses to businesses that could contact me to pitch their products or services. What was I thinking?
  • 1/12/2019 We recently changed cable services.  We got a better deal than we had before, since we were offered an introductory rate. Our new system allows me to talk to the remote and magically the TV plays my choice. For me, this a huge advantage over the last set-up where instead of talking to the remote, I told Mary Ellen what show I wanted to watch.  But then she would put on what she wanted to see…and I had to go down to the basement.
  • 12/29/2018 There are probably dozens of bells and whistles on my smart phone that I haven’t discovered yet.  A friend told me the other day that you can have your phone announce who is calling you. Here’s another cool trick he taught me: if you are unhappy with what you’ve typed in a text, instead of erasing all of it, just shake the phone and it all disappears. Next thing you know, you’ll be able to take a photograph with your phone. How cool would that be?
    Until recently I didn’t realize that instead of using my chubby sausage fingers to text a message, I can press this tiny microphone symbol on my phone and then simply talk into the device. Magically the words are transcribed.  Was I that stupid?  No, I’m 71.
  • 12/22/2018 Like most guys, when I walk past a magazine rack, I can't help but stare.  The day before Thanksgiving, I saw one cover that made me drool. There she was: perfectly proportioned, with golden skin and a great pair of legs. It was the best looking turkey I had ever seen.
    The magazine was at Whole Foods, where the 2018 Thanksgiving edition of their own publication was on the shelves. Soon it will be the 2018 Christmas edition: same delicacies, just with a new title. The Thanksgiving meal is just like the Christmas meal…without the Amazon gift cards.
    Inside the front cover is an introductory letter from…from…I don’t know who it’s from.  It’s not signed, but there are two hashtags at the bottom. One says #Thanksgiving and the other is #MakesMeWhole. I accessed both Twitter locations where there were lots of holiday recipes, but none for turkey hash, which seems like a wasted pun opportunity.
  • 12/15/2018 Humor is nothing more than observing the truth from a slightly different point of view. During 2018, I had my share of experiences—both good and bad—that led to this year’s 50-plus columns. Some thanks are in order:
    Thanks to my surgeon, who taught me how to do Kegels. Good manners prevent me from explaining exactly what this involves (guys, ask your wives), but Mary Ellen called me the King of Kegels because I exceeded the required number of repetitions each day. “I do feel like The King,” I said as I headed off to work, “and right now my Pelvis is leaving the building.”
  • 12/8/2018 Last week, I continued my tradition of lampooning the annual Hammacher Schlemmer Christmas gift catalog. This week, I’ve looked back on some 300 items and pick my favorites from the past 15 years. Some are still available in the current collection…still more are in garage sales.
  • 12/1/2018 Our recent move has been very stressful. Not the financing, the inspections, or the packing and unpacking—those were easy. I have spent a lot of sleepless nights worrying about whether I’d receive my Christmas edition of the Hammacher Schlemmer gift catalog. The Post Office doesn’t always forward bulk mail, but fortunately someone changed my name to RESIDENT and it came right on time. Here are a few of my favorite gifts from this year’s HS holiday publication...
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Thursday, February 21, 2019

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