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  • Not wanting an emu in the passenger seat
    5/29/2020 Mary Ellen and I received identical packages in the mail the other day, both about the size of a deck of cards. We had each made recent purchases online.
    “That can’t be my Emeril Lagasse pressure cooker,” said my wife.
    “And it’s certainly not my Black and Decker leaf blower.”
  • Medicare wanted to help me get in touch with my feminine side
    5/22/2020 The other day, a friend approached me (stopping at six feet away, of course) and during our conversation he asked which was my favorite column out of nearly 1,000 I’ve written. Well, this is like asking King Solomon who his favorite wife was. The king and I both could name a few we didn’t like, but picking number one is tough. While most of my stuff is an exaggeration of the truth, this story really happened, word for word. It began eight years ago when I got this notification in the mail:
    Dear Richard Wolfsie:
  • How much plastic do you eat in a year?
    5/15/2020 My wife is always shoving articles in front of me from myriad publications she subscribes to that contain information about healthy living, like Prevention and AARP. My favorite is: Should I eat this? I will save you the trouble. The answer is probably NO.
    The last issue of Consumer Reports was politely placed in front of my face with this cover headline:
  • Hydrofloss is a great product if you have a great mop
    5/8/2020 While at home a lot, I’ve decided to spend more time with my teeth. I already devote a great deal of time to my hands, washing them constantly. I hope I can take a shower soon.
    I read that when you scrub your hands, you should sing happy birthday to yourself twice, to know you have spent sufficient time cleansing. I guess Mary Ellen had never heard this tip, and she accused me of losing my mind because my next birthday is still 10 months away.
  • Social distancing yourself from good manners
    5/1/2020 Hopefully not too far in the future, we may all be able to start visiting our favorite restaurants and enjoying dinner parties with close friends again. This is making me nervous because I am so out of practice interacting with other humans outside of my family. Taking no chances, I rummaged through some old books in my basement and found Emily Post’s Etiquette, written and updated by the good-manners expert’s great-great grandchildren.
  • Observing a few consistencies in police shows
    4/24/2020 “He’s lying,” said my wife.
    “I think this guy is telling the truth,” she said the next night.
    These kinds of insights are standard when we watch each episode of Chicago P.D. Mary Ellen offers her opinion on the guilt or innocence of every suspect Sgt. Hank Voight has arrested.
  • Thoughts stuck in the mind while being stuck in the house
    4/17/2020 I’m reading a lot of blogs and Facebook posts from people who have shared personal insights about the world while quarantined in their homes. Those revelations have triggered me to compile some of my own thoughts.
    1. Throughout these weeks of sheltering in place, when I’ve asked Mary Ellen if she’s seen my cell phone,” she responds, “It’s in the house, somewhere.” Okay, but what about my wallet and keys.
  • Being kept on a pretty short leash in these fast times
    4/10/2020 Mary Ellen doesn’t trust me in these tough times to take all the precautions necessary to stay safe. She watches me like a hawk to be sure I wash my hands after getting the mail, monitors how much news I watch (so I don’t get depressed), and urges me to get enough exercise. I’m on a pretty short leash.
    Actually, when it comes to exercise, I need to be on a very long leash because when we go for our daily brisk walk, Mary Ellen walks faster than I do. Much faster.
  • What it would be like if someone narrated a day in the lives of the Wolfsies
    3/20/2020 Cable TV services come with a variety of options, and many of the features are beneficial to people who are challenged in one way or another. There is closed captioning for folks who are hearing impaired. It’s also great for men who have perfectly good hearing but are married to women who like British mystery series. Without captioning, these poor guys wouldn’t have a clue what the actors are saying.
  • When things get a little schticky during some wacky interviews
    3/6/2020 This is my 40th year working in television. Seems like just yesterday I had no idea which camera to look into and no clue what I was going to say next. Wait, that WAS yesterday!
    After conducting almost 5,000 interviews, it’s tough to name my favorites. Several standouts involved some shtick, which is a glorious Yiddish word that connotes comic theatrics, a gimmick, or a set-up to temporarily fool the audience.
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