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  • 5/18/2018 In a piece I wrote several years ago, I poked fun at people who do yoga. People doing yoga hate being poked — however, in this case, I was commenting on their preferred pants, made by a company named Lululemon. 

    The corporation had posted a warning on their website: “In some cases you may experience extreme sheerness, especially when bending over.” 

    I’m good with a warning label on my statins, but if my garment had side effects, I might want to reconsider the selection. 

    In that column, I also made fun of yoga, in general. In hindsight (ok, there’s a pun I didn’t plan), maybe I should have been less judgmental.

    I’m under fire again, after a recent column — this time about people who meditate. Here is an actual email I received:
  • FUNNY BONE - Oh, Brother!
    5/12/2018 Have you ever read something I’ve written that changed your life?

    I didn’t think so.

    Well, I am pleased to say that finally, after almost 20 years of writing, I submitted something that just maybe did make a small difference for someone.

    My column a few weeks ago was about a longtime friend, Keith Bratton. Now 92, Keith lives in a retirement community in Fishers. I recounted some of his unique inventions over the years, like a urinal splash guard with Osama Bin Laden’s photo, Kosher confetti for Bar Mitzvahs and circumcisions, and a golf ball with GPS. Current in Fishers ran the article as a front-page feature. That was not the end of the story; a much better one followed.

    The write-up found its way onto a Facebook page viewed by Sarah Erdman, the daughter of Ron Bratton of Fort Wayne. Sarah forwarded the article to her dad, wondering if Keith might be a relative. Once Ron read the Facebook post, he was pretty sure this was his long-lost half-sibling.
  • 5/4/2018 Sundays are always stressful in the Wolfsie household. Are we looking over our finances and trying to balance our budget? Nah. Are we going over plans for the new house and making a decision about our Internet provider? Nope! Are we considering a vacation and trying to book hotels and airfare? Not hardly.

    No, we are trying to decide what to watch on TV. Which shows should we wait to view ON DEMAND? What should we record on our DVR? What have we already taped that we can watch later? By Monday morning I have PTSD: Post Television Stress from DVR.

    Sunday is particularly troublesome because there are just so many great programs we both want to see on that night. To deal with this problem, my wife has a flow chart where she logs each show and then figures out how we can accomplish our viewing goals without missing anything.

    “Dick, I’m going to tape Madam Secretary, but we’ll watch Homeland live, and I can also record that mini-series about John Paul Getty. Then we can DVR Billions. Unless we can get it ON DEMAND Monday.
  • 4/27/2018 I’ve been kind of anxious lately, so my sister suggested I try meditation. She meditates and claims it makes her feel like another person. She has a small apartment in New York, so I hope there is enough room for everybody.

    I think meditating has worked for Linda because, as I reported in a previous column, she once sent me a recipe I’d requested with directions like:

    I Tbsp of chili sauce (DO NOT USE KETCHUP!)

    I cup of whole milk (ABSOLUTELY NOT SKIM MILK)

    She was a little on edge back then, but now when I ask for one of her famous recipes, I get things like:

    I tsp of butter (unless you prefer olive oil—just go with the flow)

    2 oz of sour cream (yogurt would be more wholesome, but use whichever tastes better to you)

    I wanted to learn how to meditate. I sent my wife a text while she was shopping to see if she was also interested in trying it. When Mary Ellen got home she was really upset. “We’ve never been happier. What brought this on?” My text said it was time for the two us to try mediation. Damn spell check.
  • 4/21/2018 Former advertising man and WWII veteran Keith Bratton couldn’t get rich creating ads, so he decided to also not get rich by creating off-the-wall ideas, inventions and schemes. He’s been very successful. He hasn’t made a dime.

    Keith, 92, moved from Carmel to Meadow Brook Senior Living in Fishers two years ago following a stroke. Keith was one of the first people I met more than 35 years ago when I moved to Indy. I visit him often.

    Here’s a look back at some of Keith’s innovations: First, there were Santa-bolic Steroids, which were tiny pills to boost energy at Christmastime. There was Kosher Konfetti for Jewish weddings, Bar Mitzvahs and circumcisions. He invented a tiny mock cable to jump-start your watch battery from someone else’s.
  • 4/14/2018 I never know quite how to behave when I go to the doctor.

    I once got a bad case of the giggles during a blood test, and several years ago when they ripped the EKG pads off my hairy chest, I said a bad word. Generally, I bend over backward not to draw attention to myself, although one other time I was bending over forward, and I may have yelped.

    Last week I had my annual physical. I was sitting in the waiting room filling out a new form that asks “if you have contracted any new diseases since your last appointment.” Maybe I'm old school, but if I had developed something serious, I probably would have squeezed in another visit.

    The last page of the questionnaire was titled: A SIMPLE TEST TO SEE IF YOU HAVE HEARING LOSS

    This was in big, bold capital letters, like they were already yelling at me — as if hard of hearing is closely connected to hard of reading.

    The survey had 10 questions to diagnose the problem. Here they are, verbatim:
  • 3/30/2018 I have a friend (let’s call him Joe, which by the way, is his real name) who posts everything he eats on Facebook, or what could be called Feed Your Face Book.

    Joe photographs daytime snacks, late-night raids of the fridge, even the doughnuts he hid under the front seat of his car. He claims he has uploaded 3,000 food pictures onto his Mac —including a few dozen Big Macs, I might add. He wants to create a new app called Snack Chat. It’s like Instagram in the sense that the picture of the food disappears in a few seconds, as quickly as Joe’s lunch.

    I’m not sure this is a new idea. Unlike Joe, I’ve been uploading meals and then downloading them onto my shirts for more than 60 years. It’s not uncommon for people to ask me about certain food choices I have posted on my clothing for all my friends to see…
  • 3/13/2018 I'm doing Kegels right now, as I type. I'm supposed to do 50 per day. When my doctor suggested I do them following a medical procedure, I was not familiar with these particular exercises. My wife knew what they were; my sister knew, too. Heidi, my proofreader, was surprised to learn that men can do them. And I'm surprised…that this newspaper published this column. 
    I hesitated to write about doing Kegels after Mary Ellen and I discussed that I might have to include some private parts of my life. (I think this is where I'm supposed say: no pun intended.)
  • 3/7/2018 Last week when Mary Ellen suggested we go to an 11 p.m. movie, I was surprised. 
    "That’s too late. I’ll doze off and you’ll be angry with me,” I yelped.
    "I don't care," said Mary Ellen. "We are going to see a movie tonight.”
    The Academy Awards were coming up and my wife wanted to be sure to see all the flicks in the "Best Picture" category. The last one left for us to see, Lady Bird, was only showing at 11:15. I wrote this column on Friday evening at 6 p.m., two days before the Sunday Oscars. And it was just about the time of day when I was already choosing which pair of pajama bottoms would go with which t-shirt. If we were to go out for a movie, we needed something to occupy ourselves between 6 p.m. and 10:30. We ended up watching a movie on Netflix, which is kind of like grabbing a bite to eat at home before heading out for dinner.
  • 2/27/2018 I just received my greatly anticipated spring edition of the Hammacher Schlemmer catalog, which provides a new opportunity to skewer their latest array of gifts. By the way, HS offers kabob skewers with your name engraved on them for meat lovers who are tired of having to track down their missing utensils after every neighborhood barbecue.
    The HS catalogs always begin with a letter from the chairman, John MacArthur. This issue’s introduction includes, “…discover our quality products, innovative products, products that are one of a kind, and unusual products....” One product they obviously don't sell is a thesaurus. 
    Here are a few of my favorite items from this spring edition:
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Monday, May 21, 2018

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