Columnists

Twas a few days before Christmas . . .

Years ago . . . OK, decades . . . I penned a parody of Clement Clarke Moore’s outstanding work, The Night Before Christmas. I was a young sports writer and had some fun doing it, so every few years since then I try again. The coaches, who were gracious enough not to run me out of town after that first one, are no longer the topic. And after the last two years of pandemics and petty politics . . . this seems the right time to do another one. Or, in Otter’s famous words from the literary classic film Animal House – “I think that this situation absolutely requires a really futile and stupid gesture be done on somebody’s part.” And to paraphrase future Sen. Bluto – I’m just the guy to do it. So, with apologies to Mr. Moore . . .

’Twas mid-week before Christmas, the country’s a dump

Another variant’s coming and oops, there goes Trump.

The House and the Senate were divided in two

Causing the voters to give them a boo!

Old Noblesville was sad and even a little blue

Because the annual parade was given the shoo!

But politics and strife made my head dizzy,

So I turned to nicer things and avoided the tizzy!

If you are hurting and can’t hear over the phone

Call the good folks, our friends, at Beltone!

Looking for a place to age and have fun?

Heritage Woods of Noblesville! Get on the run!

If it’s flooring you need to set things right

Give Kinsey’s a call, they’re sure to delight!

Looking for a house or even a dome?

Speak to Deak and Peggy will find you a home!

Carbon Fiber is where you’re keeping your eye

Then you know the best, they’re at IDI!

We love Christmas Carols, afar and so near

We hear them so well thanks to Miracle Ear!

A scratch or a dent on our car caused by some jerks

Take it right now to Renner Nixon Body Works.

A growl or a grumble, we wonder what’s the matter.

It’s easily fixed with a Jim Dandy Platter!

Bussell and Randall and Roberts and Indiana Funeral Care

Helped us get by with a song and some prayer.

The seniors were resting, secure at Sanders Glen

On carpet from Kinsey’s, as soft as a wren.

Looking to watch a movie for fun?

Head north on 19 and get to Tipton!

The day had been long, I was tired and wore out.

But a noise from outside resembled a shout.

I sprang (well, OK, I slowly got up) from my chair to see what was the clamour

And out on my lawn stood giant John Hammer!

Bigger than any man, the patriot stood

If  we had more like him the USA would be good.

His neck is all red, his heart red white and blue

His hands are like hams and strong they are too.

I don’t care about Brandon or Biden or Trump

You can keep McConnell, Pelosi and Stump.

They all act the same, they’re in it for themselves.

They’re beyond being saved by Santa and Elves.

In a flash he was gone as I looked all around.

And suddenly he was beside me with nairy a sound.

I fear for our country, I dread it the worst.

Unless we can change, you heard it here first.

John Kennedy said to give more than you take

Treasure the flag or get out for Pete’s sake.

It’s Christmas which means remember the manger.

But we seem to forget and that’s the real danger.

The issue is not black, white and / or brown.

It’s not where you live or what part of town.

It’s not what you believe whatever your creed.

The issue is our country, that’s really in need.

He turned and he stared, my heart skipped a beat.

And slowly he turned, this next part is neat.

As big as he was then suddenly he was gone.

I looked in the yard he was out on the lawn.

I heard him yell out, calling adieu . . .

I’ll tell you what we all need to do,

Remember that flag, the red, white and blue.

Stand for what’s right and don’t put up with no wrong.

Then proud we’ll all be, maybe even in song.

This country is ours, on that there’s no fuss.

So long as we care, it’s all up to us.

Timmons is the chief executive officer of Sagamore News Media, the company that owns The Noblesville Times. He is a proud Noblesville High School graduate and can be contacted at ttimmons@thetimes24-7.com.