NOW HEAR THIS

By Dick Woflsie

My wife convinced me to get hearing aids about three years ago.  However, I frequently forgot to wear them. I had to keep asking, “What?” After a while, it annoyed my friends and family, so I added a little variety, like, “Say what?” and “Excuse me?” When I returned to New York for a fall visit, I asked, “Are you talking to me?” Mary Ellen kept telling me I wasn’t hearing well. I’m not sure she was correct. I think the proper grammar is “You are not hearing good,” but I need to check that with my editor, who happens to be my wife, so now the case is closed.

Years ago, I began to realize I needed glasses. This kind of problem is usually more self-evident. You don’t need your spouse to point out vision issues. You get a lot of practical feedback walking into a glass door or putting on two different colored socks…or a sneaker and a loafer.

When Mary Ellen realized I was having trouble driving at night and reading a menu, she told me I wasn’t good looking, or maybe she said you don’t look well. This time, I didn’t care about the grammar. I didn’t like the sound of either one.

Back to hearing aids. They are relatively easy to use. You put them in your ears, both of them; then you put both of the hearing aids into both of your ears. Then, at night, you take them out of both of your ears.  I’m glad I read the directions. I am quite good at inserting them, although sometimes I would put them in the wrong ears, making it more challenging to understand people on my right. Sorry, I don’t mean that politically,

I fell asleep the other night in my La-Z-Boy while listening to music in the family room, so I neglected to remove the devices from my ears. I thrash around when I doze, so when I woke up, they had fallen out, lost somewhere in my chair, I assumed. The search began. First, I felt around the insides of the cushion. I did find two pencils, three dimes, and my Costco card.  I also found a cluster of dog hair, which is pretty troubling because we haven’t had a dog for 10 years.

My wife is usually quite helpful in situations like this. The last time I thought I had misplaced my glasses, she pointed out I was still wearing them, so her question, “Did you check your ears?” seemed quite reasonable.

Mary Ellen then asked me if the hearing aids had a Bluetooth connection that might emit a tiny sound to alert me of their location. How could I hear that if I can’t hear the doorbell ringing?

No, they weren’t in my ears, lost in the cushion, or on the floor. Because I take prescription sleep meds, I wondered if I could have unknowingly wandered about the house in my sleep, a possible side effect of this drug. I checked the bathroom, the laundry room, and the second bedroom. I finally found them in a very unlikely place. They seemed to work fine…after I defrosted them.