Hammer Can’t Understand Democrats

“Do they even notice?”

The words, boomed across an open empty office, scared the living bejebbers out of me. John Hammer, that huge hulk of a man who somehow finds his way into a locked and dark office on a Saturday, had once again caught me off guard. And listen, as a guy with a ticker that ticked when it was supposed to tock, that’s not a great thing.

“Do they even notice what they are saying and how out of touch they are, Timmons?”

“Well, John,” I said, trying to catch my breath. “I will play your silly game. What are we talking about.”

The look told me he didn’t think it was silly. I shut up.

“Everyone is losing their minds,” he growled. “Federal employees were given an offer from Trump to resign – but still be paid through September. Timmons, I’ve only had a few jobs in my life, but there wasn’t a one of them that I wouldn’t have taken that deal. An eight-month vacation before I had to start working somewhere else? But no, not them. They’ve lost their minds and claim it’s unfair. What the hell is unfair about it, Timmons?!?! Trump got voted into office by 70some million Americans who are sick and tired of the same old crap. They are tired of the waste . . . and we’re just now finding out how bad some of that waste really was. Trump said he’d shrink the government and this is a good start. Why are they mad? Timmons, do you know anyone in regular jobs who gets that kind of a buyout offer?”

Hammer took a breath. I was pretty sure he wasn’t done.

“And now you’ve got all these Democrats ignoring the absolute corruption and waste being uncovered every day,” Hammer bellowed. “Tell you what? If they had the brains God gave a goose they’d man up and say they’re sorry for letting things get out of hand. They’d call a spade a spade and admit Biden was a terrible president. They’d listen to the will of the people who are hearing about all these sickening ways our government – OUR GOVERNMENT, TIMMONS! – has been spending our money, OUR MONEY!

“That’s what they should do. But they’re doubling down. They’re threatening violence,” he growled. “That idiot Senator Andy Kim from out east said he and his pals will shut down the government rather than let Trump continue. How can they not see that most of the country has had it up to here with this crap? How can they not see that we’ve been waiting for someone to come in with a chain saw and not a scalpel? How do they not get this?”

Hammer took a breath. He eased his massive frame into a chair that suddenly looked a lot smaller than what it was.

“You know, I grew up Democrat. Didn’t really change until later, but I’ve always kind of figured Democrats are the folks in the neighborhood who come over for burgers and beer on the patio,” Hammer said. “The Republicans were the folks on the next street over who ran the places we worked. But now? All I see now is a self-serving bunch of poisonous asses who make themselves rich, lie through their teeth about it and spend money in the most insane ways ever? Paying for theater in OTHER COUNTRIES? What the absolute hell, Timmons? Democrats are just about themselves, their B.S. causes and hating Trump. I don’t belong to that group.”

I had nothing.

Hammer slowly got up.

“It’s Valentine’s Day Friday, Timmons. I hope you are planning something special for Mrs. Timmons. But I’ll tell you what. I got no love for these idiots in government and media who just haven’t got the hint that their ways were wrong, that they were killing this country. I’ve had way more than my fill of them. It’s time for them all to just shut the hell up.”

With that, the giant of a man headed out, I assumed going to whatever secret passage he’s discovered that gets him in here. Pretty sure he wasn’t heading to Adriene’s to buy flowers for anyone with a D behind their name.

Two cents, which is about how much Timmons said his columns are worth, appears periodically in The Times. Timmons is the chief executive officer of Sagamore News Media, the company that owns The Noblesville Times. He is also a proud Noblesville High School graduate and can be contacted at [email protected].