Keep Your Chin Up

Surveys show that most people hate at least one part of their body. I’m not happy with my ears, for example. They stick out more than they should. My wife said to be that obsessed with my own looks makes me appear very elfish. I think she meant selfish. Freud wasn’t all wrong.

When I shave, I tilt my head down to look at my receding hairline. For a long time, people asked me if I was losing my hair. Not really. I knew exactly where it was. In the sink. About 25 years ago, I had a hair transplant. A hair transplant is like what happens when a person dies. “He’s gone to a better place,” people often say. That’s the same with my hair. I don’t have more hair, but what I had, the doctor put in a better place.

While looking in the mirror, I noticed a chin that I had not noticed before. I was already happy with the two I had. Fortunately, that morning I saw something advertised on TV that gave me hope. It’s called Miracle Neck Slimmer, a device they claim was created by a world-renowned physiotherapist. I was all ears.

I thought the contraption was a scam, but the manufacturer guarantees a 68 percent reduction in neck wrinkles. I have achieved similar results by simply slinging my head back and looking straight up at the ceiling. The results are temporary, of course, and I have bumped into several doors, but it does work. Well, I think it works. It’s hard to look in the mirror in that position.

 Miracle Neck Slimmer looks like one of those slap-and-chop thingies you pound with the palm of your hand to pulverize a Vidalia onion. With Miracle Neck Slimmer, you place the apparatus under your chin, then bob your head up and down like a chicken on uppers.  Springs in the device create tension. It’s like your neck and chin are getting a good workout on a tiny StairMaster. You can see why I was hooked.

You also get a luxurious faux-leather travel case that has emblazoned on it: “Miracle Neck Slimmer. Why would you want to advertise this purchase? It might as well say: WORKING ON MY TURKEY NECK.

The enclosed DVD gives you precise directions on how to properly jog your skull to and fro. It looked to me like someone auditioning to be a bobblehead doll or a backup for the San Diego Chicken. They also throw in an accelerator cream. I think it’s an anti-aging lotion, but it could be a lubricant to make your head go faster.

Finally, in the unlikely event you have resisted their sales pitch, they offer you a second Miracle Neck Slimmer for free. I had assumed that no matter how many chins I had, one device would be enough. Their website suggested the additional Slimmer would make an excellent gift for your spouse.

 “Mary Ellen, you know those luscious little neck wrinkles you have? Well, for just $19.95 plus shipping and handling . . . ”

Then it would be easier to see my extra chins. After I had my head handed to me.