PRONOUNCED PROBLEMS

It all started when we changed our cell phone service. We had been thinking of doing that for a long time, but Mary Ellen and I are both creatures of habit—that’s why we have been married for 44 years. I assumed the changeover would be long and painful, but despite a few bumps in the road, we were up and talking in about a day.

But there was one problem— and I am honestly not sure this had anything to do with the changeover¬¬¬¬—but all of a sudden, my cell phone did not recognize my voice commands. I first realized this when riding in my car one day when I said: CALL MY SON. I have probably used that command 500 times in the last several years. Never a problem. He either answered or I left a message. But here’s what happened. (Note: All these examples are 100% true.)

DICK: CALL MY SON.

DR. TOWNS: HELLO THIS IS DR. TOWNS.

I recognized the voice. It was my dentist, Stephen Towns. He operates SONrisa Periodental Spa. Those are my caps in Sonrisa so you can clearly see what may have happened.

DICK: DR. TOWNS, I DIDN’T MEAN TO CALL YOU. I WAS CALLING FOR MY SON.

DR. TOWNS: I’M SO SORRY. IS HE HAVING A DENTAL EMERGENCY? CAN’T EVEN TALK, HUH?

I explained to him what had probably happened and apologized. I then tried again:

DICK: CALL BRETT!
SIRI: CALLING TOM BRITT.

DICK: NO, NOT TOM BRITT, MY SON, BRETT.

TOM: HELLO, THIS IS TOM.

DICK: HI, TOM. NICE TO TALK TO YOU AFTER 15 YEARS. I’VE BEEN MEANING TO CALL YOU.
I made one last attempt…

DICK: SIRI, CALL MY WIFE!

SIRI: SORRY, I HAVE NO IDEA WHO YOUR WIFE IS.

I found this dumbfounding. Just a day earlier, Siri knew who the first president was to use a phone, be born in a hospital, or have prostate surgery. But she didn’t know who my wife was. She has been connecting me with Mary Ellen for 12 years. Maybe she knows something I don’t.

I finally called my new cellular service and explained the problem in some detail.

CELL SERVICE: SORRY, COULD YOU SAY THAT ALL AGAIN. YOU’RE GARBLING YOUR WORDS.

I decided that part of the explanation was that I listed way too many names in my phone log, many of which sounded similar. This gave me a good excuse to go through the phone and eliminate many unnecessary names. If you suspect you might be one of these people listed, there are four possibilities.

1: You have passed away.
2: I haven’t talked to you in 20 years.
3: I have absolutely no memory of who you are.
4: I know exactly who you are. And that’s why you are being deleted.

A final note: After I completed this column, I needed to call my housekeeper and ask her to come by to tidy up a little before a party we were giving.

DICK: CALL NETTIE.

Her answering machine picked up so I left a message that we needed her to clean the house. My cell rang later that day.

DICK: HELLO.

AUNT BETTY: THIS IS YOUR AUNT BETTY FROM NEW YORK. CLEAN YOUR OWN HOUSE. WHAT NERVE.

I’m pretty sure that as a result of this SIRI problem, I have annoyed a lot of people. I’m really a very nice guy. I’m just misunderstood.