(July 2019 Journal Entry)

If confession is good for the soul, then this journal writing ought to clear the slate. A few weeks back in my Bible study class, someone posed the question of how often we pray each day. I initially wasn’t going to speak up, but when called upon, I confessed I pray about a dozen times a day. I quickly explained, almost apologetically, that I am a widow who works from home, which enables me to stop and pause frequently throughout the day to pray. Although not discussed then, prayers can be fervent and tearful, at least once per day. Being alone affords me this gift, this luxury, this desire to communicate with God.

Difficult to recall if it was about that time or before, but lately, I seem to remember to pray after I start to eat a meal about a third of the time. This is very frustrating. I’ve prayed about it. I’ve asked for forgiveness. I’ve asked God for help. I tried to figure out clever ways to remember to do this 100% of the time, all to no avail.

I love to pray and I do not understand where this block is coming from. I am ashamed to admit this. I know I am not perfect. However, as we walk closer to Christ, I believe we are to become more like Christ, not less. One of my favorite Bible passages is 1 Thessalonians 5:17 which tells us to “Pray without ceasing.” I am at wits end about how to correct this acquired behavioral pattern. It is a shameful act in direct disobedience to God.

I recently read that when there is an act of omission, we need to perform acts of commission to correct the behavior. This would lead me to believe that I would have to pray even more, but the frequency of prayer isn’t the issue, I don’t believe. It’s the lack of prayer before I eat. The timing.

Refusing to eat is not the answer, as this would be an act of omission. (Although weighing less would not be a bad deal, probably not very realistic.) Perhaps I need to perform a ritual as a reminder to pray before I start to eat. This is both troubling and confounding. I was loathing myself this afternoon just thinking about how I failed to be a good Ambassador for Christ. More tears and another apology in my prayers as I drove home.

Words of self-encouragement seem so insufficient, seemingly as an unjustifiable excuse. So I tell myself anyway … just keep thinking, keep trying!

*** (my entry was to end here, but now, a required addendum) ***

Just now comes the weekly Reflection from Kimi at Community of Faith (church in Florida) who writes, “…We’ve already been given our mission to be ambassadors for Jesus. Now that we know it, we need to accept it and own it. “None of us will be perfect but part of representing the values of Jesus means giving ourselves grace when we get it wrong. As long as we never stop trying, we will be taking daily steps to fulfill our mission.”

What a profoundly forgiving and accepting statement! Jesus, thank you for Kimi and Your extremely timely message! God always knows what we need and when we need it. His timing is always perfect and He clearly speaks!

 “And after the earthquake there was a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire there was the sound of a gentle whisper.” (1 Kings 19:12 NLT)

Just as impactful from the article’s introduction, the pastor wrote in his introductory email, “I encourage you to prayerfully listen to the Spirit of God as you read Kimi’s words.”

How did he know? How many others will this article impact, comfort, reveal, enlighten?

“Then he said to me, “This is the word of the Lord to Zerubbabel: Not by might, nor by power, but by my Spirit, says the Lord of hosts.” (Zechariah 4:6).

Jesus, once again, we hear You. “My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me.” (John 10:27)

There is no greater love, no mercy more tender than the gracious healing love of God. Your communication is unbelievably amazing!

Lord, I praise you again with tearful and thankful humility. Amen.

Bonnie Zickgraf is a retired pastor, author, columnist for The Times and an RN in mental health nursing and health plan accreditations. Send comments and prayer requests to [email protected].