Bubba Asking Tough Questions
So, not sure what brought this one on. Could be the Indiana Legislature trying to run us out of business with their public notice campaign. Or maybe it’s the statement they made about not cutting property taxes, but “cutting” the increase? Or maybe it’s listening to Democrats’ singing?
Dunno. But whatever the reason, I felt a doozy coming on.
The shrill ring of the phone didn’t help.
“This here is a Cert-E-fied employment offer for one Tim Timmons,” a nasal twang said. “How would you like to have a career paying $50,000 or more just watering plants? Or how about turning on and off the automated lights in a health spa? Or how about . . . ”
The nasal twang, the mangled pronunciation of certified, the ridiculous sales pitch . . . it could only mean one thing.
“Hello, Bubba.”
For those who don’t know him, Bubba Castiron is his own circus – if you took away the tents, elephants, ringmasters and acrobats and left the bumbling clowns. He makes the stereotype of a hillbilly redneck look like an Ivy League professor (before Ivy Leagues descended into the darker regions of wokedom).
“Dang, Timmons! How’d you know it was me?”
“Lucky guess, Bubba. But listen, I’ve got-”
“Now don’t you go getting all high and mighty on me and say you got something impotent to do,” Bubba said.
“Important.”
“Hun?”
“Never mind. OK Bubba. What can I do for you?”
“I want to ask if you got religion, Timmons.”
I was worried where this was going. Was Bubba about to launch into some sort of campaign that I didn’t want – or have time to hear? You never know what’s coming next with Bubba. I just knew I had to be careful.
“If you’re asking if I believe in God, you bet,” I started. “In fact, one of my vows for Lent this year is to finish reading the Bible. I just wrapped up Ecclesiastes and-”
“Yeah, yeah,” Bubba cut in. “Good to know, Timmons. And since you are reading the Bible, you are the perfect guy to ask something that’s puzzling me and Big Country.”
Big Country is one of the gang Bubba hangs out with at a seedy little joint named the Crawl-On-Inn. Bubba took me out there once but I couldn’t find it again if I had to. It’s somewhere between Boxley, Omega and Elwood. A guy named Elvis tends bar and Bambi, part-time waitress and part-time truck driver, takes care of food and drink orders – mostly drink. Tater, Gumball, Big Country and Bubba are there so much they ought to pay rent.
“OK, Bubba. I’ll play your silly game. What is it about religion that’s got you calling?”
“Is you familiar with Jonah getting swallered up by a whale?”
“Sure, Bubba,” I said. “God told Jonah to go to the sinful place of Nineveh and-”
“Yeah OK, Timmons. We know the story. The question we got is did a whale really swaller him up? I mean, OK, we believe that part. But Jonah lived inside that big ol’ fish for three days and then done got spit up on shore? C’mon, Timmons. How likely is that?”
“Well Bubba, it’s detailed pretty well in the book of Jonah in the Old Testament. If you-”
“Alive and breathing for three days? INSIDE a whale? C’mon, Timmons. This has to be one of them stories that is allergenic or something, right?”
“Allegorical.”
“Huh?”
“Never mind. Look Bubba. There’s no definitive answer to your question. It boils down to a matter of faith and belief.”
“Yeah, I guess,” Bubba said. “Elvis said that we’ll just have to wait until we get to heaven and ask him ourselves.”
That gave me an idea! Bubba is always messing with me, so I thought I’d have some fun and really throw Bubba for a loop. “Well geez Bubba, you know that Jonah did defy God’s command to go to Nineveh. What will you do if you get to heaven and he’s not there?”
“Then YOU ask him, Timmons!”
All I heard was the howl of Bubba’s laughter as he hung up the phone. Where’s that aspirin bottle?
Two cents, which is about how much Timmons said his columns are worth, appears periodically in The Times. Timmons is the chief executive officer of Sagamore News Media, the company that owns The Noblesville Times. He is also a proud Noblesville High School graduate and can be contacted at [email protected].