WASHED UP
We recently spent a lovely afternoon with our friends, the Murphys. They told us about their new house and the two-week vacation they were planning throughout Europe. Anticipating that we had equally thrilling news, they asked what was exciting in our lives.
“Oh, we’re getting a new washer and dryer,” we said proudly. In unison.
This may pale compared to a luxurious cruise, but we were genuinely excited about our new arrival. I have never gotten along with our old washer and dryer, although they have lasted almost 20 years, longer than many marriages. I have also had issues with our dishwasher, microwave, and toaster oven, which always fail me when I need them most: Usually, when I turn them on. And I can never find the OFF button on the air fryer, so I yank the plug out of the wall.
I am not mechanically inclined, but I am a good communicator. I have reached the point where, when I am about to engage the services of a device, I speak to it personally, cordially requesting cooperation.
ICE MAKER, ICEMAKER, MAKE ME A BATCH (Sung to the tune from Fiddler on the Roof)
I BEG YOU, OVEN, COOK THE BAKED POTATOES PERFECTLY
WE’VE BEEN FRIENDS A LONG TIME, MIKE (ROWAVE), SO, PLEASE DON’T OVERHEAT THE LASAGNA
When a man of my age starts talking to his appliances, the family should probably become concerned.
I stared at the two appliances for several minutes when the duo arrived. Our laundry room looked like the cockpit of a 747. Between the two machines, there were over two dozen buttons. Each lit up when touched but emitted a series of short, annoying beeps as if they were trying to communicate with me, like in the movie Close Encounters of the Third Kind. However, we also discovered that when the cycle was complete, we were treated to a selected song. Kenny Rogers’ hit would have been appropriate for washing and drying towels: “You got to know when to hold ‘em, know when to fold ’em.”…Come on, sing it with me
Mary Ellen’s biggest concern about our new washer and dryer is that they both have Wi-Fi. I had enough problems loading my clothes. Now I have to download them, as well. And Mary Ellen is very cautious about anything jeopardizing our privacy and security.
“Dick, what if someone hacked into our washing machine? I don’t want some kid from Peoria airing all our dirty laundry.”
“First of all, Mary Ellen, you never have filthy laundry. Hardly a mark. Your laundry is a thing of beauty.”
“Yes, Dick, but your clothes are a different story. Your shorts could easily go viral.”
Mary Ellen remains a little paranoid about this…
“Dick let’s consider the worst-case scenario. We are about to go on a glorious vacation, and I am doing some last-minute wash before I pack my suitcase. Suddenly, a maniacal cybercriminal changes my cycle from DELICATE to NORMAL. What a nightmare my nightgown will be.
By the way, the dryer has a super-hot setting, which I told my wife was especially for her. If we had been in a fancy restaurant, that might have gone over well, but it loses a little romance in a room with a week’s worth of dirty laundry.
The instruction manual is in five languages. Each one is very detailed and addresses particular issues you might encounter, and which setting to use. I’m going to try to decipher the part in Spanish. I have a lot of taco stains on my pants.