In a Manner of Speaking
Five years ago, while the world was in the throes of COVID, I started looking through some of my wife’s old cookbooks. I was preparing Mary Ellen for the next pandemic. I also found a couple of editions of books written by manners-maven Emily Post, who died in 1960. Very few attended her funeral because people feared they’d wear something inappropriate. Here are some new insights from the second edition, with a few favorites from the first edition, which I wrote about many years ago.
Don’t tell guests beforehand if you are serving an unfamiliar dish. It could prejudice them before they even taste it. After the first bite, casually mention that it’s not Beef Burgundy but Gopher Goulash.
In 1930, Emily said you should avoid “promiscuous kissing” at a dinner party. Yes, that’s her exact phrase. I’m no prude, but I agree. At least, wait until you have been introduced. Then please wait until after dessert.
Emily does not like pretension. She is not in favor of saying, “I am going to retire.” She wants you to say, “I am going to sleep.” In 2021, after 40 years on TV, I guess I went to sleep. She also prefers “Excuse me” to “Pardon me,” unless you have committed a crime and are talking to the president.
If you visit a friend’s home, you must conform to the habits of your host family…have meals at their hours, eat what is put before you, and go to bed according to their schedule. Similar advice is found in “Joining a Cult for Dummies.”
How about guests who overstay their welcome? Incredibly, the author says it is okay for the host to stifle a yawn. I prefer: “Would you mind dropping our kids off at school on your way home?”
If your hostess has not begun to eat, once several people have been served at the table, it is okay to pick up your fork and begin. I tried that once and Mary Ellen also picked up her fork…and stuck it in my thigh.
“Napkins must be unfolded in your lap,” says Emily. I tried that and Mary Ellen thought I was secretly looking at my cell phone. Talking about folding, Emily Post says never cut your salad. Instead, always fold the lettuce leaves. Fold the lettuce leaves? I can’t even fold a fitted sheet?
To prevent guests from showing up late, ask guests to come about a half hour before you really want them to arrive. If the doorbell rings while you are still in your underwear, rethink the concept.
Men should remove their hats in elevators, says Ms. Post. Even nowadays, if a guy is headed upstairs to a chic restaurant, he should still consider taking off his hat when a lady enters, unless they are both rooting for the same team.
The guide says at home to peel a banana halfway down and eat it bite by bite. These rules for humans are pretty much the same as for orangutans. At a restaurant, says Emily, “You should peel the whole fruit, cut it into pieces, and eat it with a fork.” That’s why bananas on a menu have never caught on.
Another prohibition: When out for dinner, do not violently shake your napkin when you open it. (This puts a damper on my first magic trick at the table.)
Ms. Post says never to say, “I’m stuffed” after dinner. Growing up, failure to make this observation meant you were disappointed with the food. If I said, “Thanks for the delicious dinner, Mom,” she would not have fallen for that baloney. Especially if we were having bologna.
“Overnight visits require written thank-you notes.” We spent five days at my sister’s house in New York this past week. We consumed all the food she prepared; we agreed to sleep in her spare room, and we let her do our laundry. So far, not a word of thanks from her.
I thought our mother taught us better.
Dick Wolfsie is a retired TV personality, author, speaker, teacher and all-around good guy. His award-winning column appears here weekly.