Bubba Takes Timmons on Long Bus Ride
It had been a while since I had heard from Bubba Castiron, my “friend” who is about three plates, four forks, two spoons and a couple of glasses away from having a full set of dishes.
No idea why he was on my mind – maybe I just didn’t have enough to do – but when the phone rang I looked at it for a long second. Couldn’t be, could it?
“Yes, sirree, I’m calling you today with a special offer-”
I’ll be danged. “Save it, Bubba. I know it’s you.”
“Dang, Timmons. You always get me. How do you do it?”
“I don’t know Bubba, just lucky I guess. But this time, I was actually-”
“Hey Timmons,” Bubba cut in, showing about as much consideration as you would expect from a man who thinks manners has something to do with men who have a speech impediment. “Did ya hear about the problem theys having with that one school bus?”
“No, I guess I haven’t Bubba. What school bus?”
“Well, the way I hear it they got one route that is just impossible to fill. So the head bossman-”
“The superintendent?”
“That’s what I said. Try to keep up Timmons. The head bossman decided he’d get creative and decorate one bus up with Sesame Street characters. And then, to make it even better, he changed the route so it’d only have to go to a few houses. And then, they ran a big ad in your paper saying they needed one driver and they were paying top U.S. American dollars.
“Well sir, that got them a bunch of appliques-”
“Applicants?”
“Huh?”
“Never mind.”
“Anywho, one of the folks who applied was this guy named Bob who told the bossman there weren’t no need to look further cause he was the right man for the right job. Ol Bob said he could drive anything, anywhere, anytime. So they hired him.
“Just like that?”
“I don’t know Timmons. You telling this story or me?”
“Sorry.”
“So they give him the route and Ol’ Bob’s thinking he got hisself the easiest job in the world. Cause theys paying him a pretty penny and all he has to do is make three stops. Can you imagine! So on that first day, Ol’ Bob climbs aboard the bus all painted up with Sesame Street stuff and heads to his first stop. And when he gets there there’s two of the largest girls he’s ever seen. I mean they are absolutely huge. And they are identical twins. Ol’ Bob pulls up opens the door and says ‘welcome girls. I’m Bob and I’m your new bus driver.’
“As they climb on, they are so big the bus creaks a bit and kind of leeeeeeans over a little.
‘I’m Patty,’ the first one says. ‘And this is my sister Patty and we are power lifters on the school weightlifting team Bob. Glad to meet you.’
“They sit down and Ol’ Bob heads on down the road to his second stop.”
I had no clue where Bubba was going with this.
“So he gets to his second stop and there’s this young feller. Ol’ Bob opens the door and says ‘welcome. I’m Bob and I’m your new bus driver.’
“The little feller climbs up and says ‘Hiya Bob. I’m Ross, but all my friends call me Special Ross and I like that so you can call me Special Ross, too.’
‘Good to meet you Special Ross, come on in and have a seat.’
“Ross walks on back, says hi to both Pattys and Bob takes off. When he gets to the third and last stop there’s another young guy waiting. Ol’ Bob pulls up opens the door and says ‘welcome. I’m Bob and I’m your new bus driver.’ The kid gets on board and says ‘My name is Lester G.’ He doesn’t say anything else and before Ol’ Bob can say a word, Lester G gets in the seat right behind Ol Bob. Figuring the kid doesn’t want to talk, and having all his stops taken care of, Ol’ Bob heads toward school.
“But he doesn’t get more than a mile or two and smells this awful stench. He looks around and there’s Lester G with his shoes and socks off picking at his feet. Well, Ol’ Bob doesn’t want to get the year off to a bad start, so he doesn’t say anything, but the further he goes the worse the smell gets. Not only that, but both Pattys are sitting on one side of the bus and every time Ol’ Bob goes around a corner, he’s sure the bus is going to tip over. And before they get to school, Ross starts singing a song about being Special Ross – except he can’t sing. He’s way off key and singing at the top of his lungs.
“Well Timmons, between worrying about the bus tipping, hearing that din from Ross and the awful smell coming from Lester – not to mention the whole bus being painted like that – well, Ol’ Bob decided this wasn’t the job for him. So he dropped the kids off and headed straight over to the head bossman’s office and turned in his key.
‘But I thought you said you could drive anything, anytime, anywhere,’ the bossman said. ‘I did,’ Ol’ Bob answered. ‘But you didn’t tell me I’d be driving two all beef Pattys, Special Ross, Lester G picking bunions on a Sesame Street bus!’ ”
And with that Bubba let out a howl and yelled “I got you, Timmons! Admit it, I got you!”
Why do I do this? Why do I listen? Maybe I ought to rethink things? I hear they’re looking for a bus driver.
Two cents, which is about how much Timmons said his columns are worth, appears periodically in The Times. Timmons is the chief executive officer of Sagamore News Media, the company that owns The Noblesville Times. He is also a proud Noblesville High School graduate and can be contacted at ttimmons@thetimes24-7.com.