Funny Business!
There’s a great deal of pressure on me to be funny. I feel it at church, at pickleball, and when I run into people at the supermarket. This is what happens when you write a humor column for 25 years. At our book club, when I say something like, “I think the book has a good plot, but the main character’s motives were not clearly drawn,” Kim will look at me and say, “Dick, that wasn’t amusing.” And Kay will say, “I don’t get it.” Of course, sometimes I try to make a whimsical remark, and my wife will give me the evil eye and say, “NOT funny, Dick.” I can’t win.
Because people know that I am always looking for a topic for my next column, I’m afraid they won’t take me seriously if I were to have a true emergency. Let’s say I saw Mary Ellen get in my neighbor’s car one morning, and she didn’t return for two days, I’d call the police department, of course.
“Hello, Missing Persons Unit.”
“Hi. This is Dick Wolfsie. I saw my wife jumping in my neighbor’s car, and I haven’t seen her in two days.”
“Yes, Mr. Wolfsie, we all read your column. That’s a very amusing premise. We here at Missing Persons are aware of the use of hyperbole to create a humorous and whimsical effect. By the way, we suggest three days. Those of us who have an ear for comedy know that a wife missing for two days just isn’t catchy enough. You need the number three. Three is a funny number.”
“I’m not trying to be funny, officer. I’m not writing a column. I believe my friend Alan may have run away with my wife.”
“I think we know where you’re going with this, Dick. Now you are going to say, ‘And I really miss him.’ Sorry, but that’s an old joke and very predictable. However, humor does require a twist or surprise. So, the comic reversal here has potential. It just needs a little tweaking. You’re on the right track. By the way, we are not the Missing Humor Bureau, but we are happy to help.”
“Look, I am not writing a humor column. My wife has vanished. When she left the house two days ago, I saw her getting in Alan’s Honda.”
“What a waste of potential amusement, Dick. Try saying ‘Buick’ or ‘Pontiac.’ Good use of the K sound is what you’re after here. Kangaroo is a funnier word than rabbit. Any first-rate humorist knows this. By the way, scrap the name Alan. No one can form a clear mental picture of what someone named Alan would look like. You need a Bubba or a Reginald. Think visually, for heaven’s sake.”
“Look, for the absolute last time, officer, I am not writing a story; I am not trying to be amusing. I’m fairly certain my wife has run off with my best friend. His name is Alan, not Bubba and not Reginald. I do not miss him. I miss her. I saw them leave together in a Honda. She’s been gone a day. Now, doesn’t that all seem a bit funny to you?”
“No, Dick, not the way you tell it.”