SIGNS OF TROUBLE

Do Mary Ellen and I have some marital issues? There are certainly signs.

You see, I have several bad habits. But Mary Ellen has been unsuccessful in convincing me of the importance of changing some of my usual routines. She decided to place notes around the house to remind me to correct some of my inappropriate behaviors. For example:

LOCK THE DOOR

TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES

TURN OUT THE LIGHTS IN THE BASEMENT

CLOSE THE FRIDGE DOOR

DON’T SIT ON THE COUCH IN YOUR SWEATY PICKLEBALL CLOTHES

Mary Ellen made me promise to tell you that when there is enough room on the Post-it Note she always includes the word PLEASE. And she underlines it.

The notes did cause some confusion. I came home one day, saw the message and removed my shoes. I went into the house, and our housekeeper, Nettie, was vacuuming in her bare feet.

After a while, I must have just stopped noticing Mary Ellen’s dictums. Then she started putting signs around the house that said:

                                             LOOK AT THE SIGN BELOW (PLEASE)

This whole experience made me think that I, too, could benefit from this memory aid. Since I am very forgetful, I now leave small typed reminder notes on my dresser drawer, on the door to the garage, and on the steering wheel of my car. These are things I always need to take with me when I leave the house.

Hearing aids

Wallet

Watch

Phone

I had fob on the list, but that was silly because when I couldn’t start the car, I’d simply go back in the house and get the device.

I wanted to avoid putting out too many reminders because I didn’t want to overshadow my wife’s fine display of her note-making ability. My only way to sidestep this was to find a mnemonic device to help me remember certain essential items before I headed out for the day. I tried to find a word I could create from those on the list, but WWPH was not a pronounceable word, and PWHW wasn’t going to work either. I needed a vowel, but I was afraid that if I added an A or U, it would drive me crazy trying to remember what it stood for. Did I forget my Ascot or my Ukulele? I finally ended up with PHEWW, which works in so many ways.

But once again, I was soon back to my old forgetful habits. I forgot my wallet one day, but I couldn’t call Mary Ellen to see where I’d left it because I forgot my phone, and even if I had remembered it, I wouldn’t have been able to hear her because… well, you get the point.

Wait, Mary Ellen just came downstairs and stuck a message on my desktop computer screen. Not one Post-it Note, but three. They read: TELL YOUR READERS /I’M A GOOD SPORT FOR LETTING YOU WRITE STORIES ABOUT ME/ THAT ARE VERY EXAGGERATED. The note didn’t end with PLEASE.

 It ended with OR ELSE.