Branna Shares the Parenting Paradigm
They hatch, develop wings, learn to fly, then they’re gone. The nest is empty now. No, I’m not talking about raising birds. I’m referring to raising our children.
No matter if we did our best to feather the nest, there comes a time when our scope of influence will decline, if not wither away.
Once they’re grown and flown, distance often replaces the spaces that once housed an acute closeness between parent and child.
The Peace Corps may have coined it “The toughest job you’ll ever love,” characterizing its volunteer experience as incredibly demanding, yet deeply rewarding. In my humble opinion, I think this aptly personifies parenting as well.
Sure, when they’re younger, there’s the colic, tantrums and other tempestuous moments. Minus the colic, the other two remain constant, even after adolescence has closed its door. In many ways, I consider the later years a greater challenge than rearing tots or teens.
If we have done our job well, we’ve tried every tip and trick in the book to bestow our babies with the tools they need to be successful, happy human beings. Sometimes we hit and sometimes we missed, but in our minds, we did our best.
When they reach the “grown and flown” phase, letting go is less about relief and more about fear and regret. Our license to lead them, as we knew it, has expired. A different kind of relationship is forged, where we must respect their individuality, choices and personal challenges – but from a distance. The stance of “agree to disagree” can be a saving grace.
But wait! Our work is not done, rather the job description has simply changed. We parents still have a very important role as a model for healthy relationships and practices. How we treat our partners, our work ethic, our financial choices … our whelps are still watching.
That said, I mustn’t neglect to reflect on the perennial perks of parenting the adult child.
Aside from those precious, precocious little people our kiddos produced (our grandchildren), the tides can turn us from “frenemy” to friend alias “outlaw to asset” in their eyes. We can offer support, encouragement and advice (only as requested) to assist our once-youngsters. If we parents refrain from our “justifiable” judgments, we leave the door cracked, creating room for new growth for all involved.
Richard Bach quoted “If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, they are yours. If they don’t, they never were.” I believe Mr. Bach may have been commenting on cuddling a partner versus coddling a child. However, I think the takeaway is that true love requires freedom, and if a connection is genuine, it will return voluntarily.
For the adult child, letting go can involve forgiving, and remembering that their parents didn’t have a user guide when they were born. And I’m sure if you asked, most parents would welcome a “do over.” You know, that chance to right our wrongs and apply the knowledge and experience we’ve gained over time. I know I certainly would.
I’m not a therapist or psychologist, simply a single-parenting social worker with two adult daughters. But one lesson I hope to leave my girls is that second chances can create second glances into healthy, rewarding relationships with their not-so-perfect parents. Nonetheless, the optimistic empath I am firmly believes that unconditional love can conquer all.
‘Just my “two cents” worth this week! Can you relate?
Can You Relate is a column from Noblesville High School grad Branna (McCarty) Shores. Branna believes that “HOME is where your story begins.” A Noblesville native and proud alum of NHS and Purdue, she is a professional speaker, advocate for mental health and work / family balance and retired social worker. Branna is the mother of two grown daughters, six precious grandchildren and wife of one brave husband! Her passions include singing, writing and sharing the lighter side of life through lessons learned, both personally and professionally. She can be contacted at branna18@gmail.com