STAINED RELATIONS
The Wolfsie household is a happening place. Mary Ellen keeps asking, “What happened here?” She knows something has happened, but wants to see if I’m responsible. But she always knows it’s me.
I hear these words every day, sometimes more than once. The question arises when I am left alone at home or when Mary Ellen is in another room. That’s when I spill something, then desperately try to clean up the mess I have made. I get dish towels, paper towels, a broom, and a scrub brush. I try spot remover, club soda, and lemon juice. I do not want my wife to know that once again I have soiled the floor or counter. But I have found that the cover-up is worse than the grime.
Mary Ellen has ESP (Extraordinary Spot Perception). No matter how hard I try, she will walk near the stained area and make her proclamation, hoping to confirm that something is amiss, or should I say, a mess.
MONDAY: “Dick, what happened here?”
“How can you possibly see that ketchup stain. I cleaned it all up with vinegar.”
“Yes, but it looks like you used red wine vinegar.”
TUESDAY: “What happened here?”
“I was eating a cookie and some crumbs got on the floor. I thought I got it all up. I’m going to return the vacuum. It’s just not picking up on the little things.”
WEDNESDAY: “What happened here?”
I had dropped a small tub of chicken salad. Some of the oily stuff oozed out. Mary Ellen eyed the slippery floor, then noticed the cracked bottom of the container and asked, “What happened?” I denied doing it. If you are going to be a chicken, might as well do it with chicken salad. That’s what’s called being a filthy liar.
.THURSDAY: “What happened here?”
“Nothing, I swear.”
“It’s right after breakfast and a big orange stain is on the tablecloth. You spilled juice, didn’t you?”
“What is this, Mary Ellen, another OJ trial?”
FRIDAY: “Dick, what happened here? What’s this spot?”
This time I was prepared. “Let me tell you, Mary Ellen. Right here in Fishers, Indiana, in 1872, the city of Fishers was founded on that very spot you are questioning me about.”
SATURDAY: “Dick. What happened here? I see a yellowish-brown spot on the kitchen area rug.”
“Oh, that’s an old pet stain. It’s either Barney’s or Toby’s.”
“No, it’s either French’s or Gulden’s. You had a hot dog for lunch.”
She is way too smart for me.
Then after a long week of very stained relationships between my wife and me, our friend Cathy called Mary Ellen to chat. Cathy has an even worse case of ESP.
“Hi Mary Ellen, it’s Cathy. What’s been happening at your house these past few days?”
“Pull up a comfortable chair. I have a lot to tell you.”
“Uh oh, has Dick been a bad boy?”
“Let’s just say his behavior has been spotty.”
Dick Wolfsie is a retired TV personality, author, speaker, teacher and all-around good guy. His award-winning column appears here weekly.