MUGGED ON MY BIRTHDAY!

Last month, I celebrated my 79th birthday. My wife and son tried to find me the perfect gift. But I am a very difficult person to shop for. I know this because my mother started telling me this when I was three years old.

To help them, I Googled “Gifts for men in their 80s.” I still have a year to go, but I wanted to give my family a good start on the next decade.

 Here was the first recommendation:

“The gift should convey to the celebrant that he is still loved, respected and appreciated.

 I don’t want to be a celebrant. It’s bad enough that many consider me an irritant.

Another suggestion: “Why not a collage of stamps from that person’s birth year. Can you think of a better present?” Yes. How about a gift certificate for my next colonoscopy? By the way, a postage stamp in 1947 was three cents, which was expensive in those days. That’s why my father didn’t want to send out my birth announcements.

 Then there were also several ideas for personalized coffee mugs:

 “What about an eye-catching cup with a list of all the famous people born on their birthday?” I thought that sounded like a good idea, so I did a little research about March 5 on AI. Amazing how many notables share my birth date.

 Tang Gonghong (Chinese weightlifter)

Jef Eygel (Belgian basketball player)

Olusegun Obasanjo (former President of Nigeria)

 But how long will that priceless gift last before someone swipes it?

 Here’s another hint: “A coffee mug decorated with the names of famous people who died on your birth date”. I’m surprised Starbucks never thought of this. It seems tasteless, but it’s nothing compared to their scones.

 I Googled a list for those who said their final goodbyes on March 5. 

 Jay Silverheels (Tonto on the Ling Ranger) on the Lone Ranger)

Patsy Cline (Country singer)

William Powell (Movie star)

 I’d suggest they add dictator Joseph Stalin, who also died on March 5. Anything to brighten up that mug.

 Just before my birthday, Mary Ellen and I went to Cracker Barrel for dinner. I saw her eyeing one of those little books on the gift rack that features statistics from the year you were born. The stand starts with 2005 at the top, and the years work their way down the rack. By the time she reached 1947, she was on her knees. This is a marketing mistake. When you are a senior, everything you want to buy should be at eye level. If CVS stocked Depends on the lower shelf, they’d never sell a single package.

 Mary Ellen ended up giving me a coffee mug:

                   TO MY FAVORITE SEPTUAGENARIAN

 I don’t like being in my ’70s. It certainly doesn’t sound as much fun as being a sexagenarian.