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Grocery Store Visit

Last week when I walked into the grocery, I was in no hurry. If I get home too early, my wife makes me work.

Each time I enter that store, I scrub my hands with the free sanitizer. After a couple minutes, I am the model of sterility.

An older lady at a small table invites me to try a new recipe. The texture is fine, but it tastes like my morning breath. I figure I can serve it anytime I want guests to leave quickly.

Next comes the egg aisle. What’s the difference between A and AA eggs?

Did the hen take an IQ test? Do extra-large eggs come from extra-large chickens?

One carton says the eggs inside are “cage-free.” I’m happy for the eggs…but what does this mean?

Why does an egg need a cage if it can’t escape on foot? Well, I guess it could go on an egg roll.

Is the chicken who lays that egg also free? Do cage-free birds have outdoor access? Do they play sports, or do they chicken out?

My grocery visit also includes a search for morning multivitamins, formulated to help me function at peak efficiency. (For me, that means I can get through the day with only one nap.) 

I’m also want a breakfast that combines coffee for quick energy, plus a cereal fortified with 30 or 40 healthful ingredients. I want strong bones and teeth, antioxidants to prevent disease, healthy heart and lungs, and good blood pressure.

My goal is to live 130 years, so I plan to purify my lifestyle soon.

The last thing on my shopping list is toothpaste. I take my time on this aisle, because last month I chose a tube the same color as my athlete’s foot cream.

However, the toothpaste seemed to whiten my toenails. And on my last podiatrist visit, I had absolutely no cavities between toes.

– Got a story idea for Rix? E-mail him at rix@rixquinn.com.