THE MEDIUM IS THE MASSAGE

Ouch!

Ow!

Ooh, that really hurts…

Please stop. Are you trying to kill me?

We can all agree that having a lousy dentist can be an agonizing experience. But I don’t have a lousy dentist—I have a very good one. The only yelp ever heard during one of my appointments was the day I accidentally bit Dr. Town’s finger.

Now, my massage therapist is a totally different story. She is not simply good.  She is superb.

“Does that hurt?” she’ll ask.

“Yes, a little.”

“How about this?”

“A lot—that hurts a whole lot.”

“Good. Now we’re getting somewhere.”

I try to see her about once a month because I spend several hours each day sitting in front of my computer. As a reader of this column, you realize how painful the results of that can be.  I’ve tried everything to relieve my neck and back soreness: a chiropractor, an acupuncturist, a physical therapist, even a ghost writer, but nothing has worked.  I did try typing my column on my iPad while standing up. I also tried it while using a traditional yoga pose, and one time while lying on the pool table. If you get your back in the right spot over the cue ball, there is some merit to this technique.

My massage therapist’s name, by the way, is Dee. Her business is called Touch by an A.N.G.E.L., but you have to go through a little hell in order to get to the heavenly part. She should change the name of her business to DEE…P Massage, but I am literally in no position to have a normal conversation with her, because I’d be talking to the carpet.  Each session begins with me lying on my belly with my head in this device at the end of the massage table. Do you know what this contraption is called? It’s a face cradle, which explains why after about two minutes of DEE…P massage, I’m wailing like a baby.

By the way, A.N.G.E.L is an acronym. But Dee has been doing massages so long, she couldn’t remember what it stood for.

Dee wants me to do a lot of stretching each day. Stretch before sitting at the computer, stretch when walking away from the computer, and stretch before getting in and out of bed. She asked me to tell her honestly how many stretches I did daily. I told her over a hundred. That was also a stretch.

After the last session, I mentioned to Dee that for my next massage, I’d like a relaxing therapeutic experience rather than the DEE…P kind.  Dee thought that sounded like a wonderful idea, “But who’s going to give it to you?” she asked. “Certainly not me.”

Now it’s just a rumor, of course, but the word was that last year, Anthony Richardson missed two games with the Colts, not because of a bad collision, but because of a bad decision: asking Dee for a relaxing massage.

When Dee first started, Anthony drifted off to a tranquil state as he remembered a long pass he had recently tossed to wide receiver Alex Pierce. Dee heard Richardson mumble GO DEEP.

The next day, Richardson was on the injured list.