Bubba Starts New Year Off With Call
It’s certainly an interesting time to be a football fan in Indiana. Is there a neater story than Curt Cignetti and the IU Hoo-Hoo–Hoosiers? How about all the controversy surrounding Notre Dame’s exclusion from the College Football Playoffs? (And thank you to those who responded to my recent scribblings on a proposed change to the format – but asking the powers that be to consider that radical a change . . . well, don’t hold your breath.)
Not a college fan? Then how about the intrigue surrounding our (bless their little hearts) Indianapolis Colts? Some may disagree, but Riley Leonard’s performance in that last game was the epitome of good news / bad news. On the good side, the Colts have a potential starting QB already on the roster. On the bad side, how come quarterback whisperer Shane Steichen didn’t recognize what he had in Leonard? Don’t get me wrong, bringing Philip Rivers in was a great story. But given what we just watched from Leonard, was that really the best move? Houston had the best defense in the NFL and Leonard put up 30 points against them. What could Leonard have done against Jacksonville, San Fran and Seattle? We’ll never know.
Between Notre Dame and the never-ending excuses with the Colts, it was all giving me a massive headache. The shrill ring of the phone didn’t help.
“Times. Timmons.” (Us news types tend to talk like Joe Friday – just the facts, ma’am)
“This here’s Bubba Castiron, Timmons,” said a familiar nasal twang out. “And I ain’t joking around today. I am calling to offer my coordinates.”
“You’re telling me where you are?”
“What? No, Timmons. I’m calling to tell you that I’m sorry for your loss.”
“Condolences.”
“Huh?”
“Never mind.”
For those who don’t know “my friend” Bubba, he’s the village idiot who flunked out of village idiot school. To say he’s not the sharpest tool in the shed would be an insult to tools, sheds and hardware stores everywhere.
“It’s been a while since we talked Timmons and I was planning on calling and wishing you a Happy New Year. But then I heard The Don talking and knew I knew you must be beside yourself.”
As usual, I had no real idea what Bubba was talking about. But given current events, I figured it must be the Venezuela invasion.
“Well Bubba, I think there are real questions in terms of the legality of all this – but then again, there’s the very valid point of how Madura –”
“Now Timmons, I get it that you’re upset, but there ain’t no question that Trump can make that decision. He’s the man in charge.”
“Of course he is Bubba,” I tried. How do I explain the separation of powers to someone who understands Austin Powers better than the three branches of government? “But whether Trump can make the call to send troops to another country without-”
“Troops? Another country? What in the tar hills are you talking about Timmons?”
“Venezuela,” I answered. “What are YOU talking about Bubba?”
“The penny.”
“The penny? Huh?”
“When I heard that Trump killed the penny you were the first person I thought of, Timmons. And I just want you to know I’m gonna miss you.”
Bubba had me completely lost.
“Why in the world would you miss me Bubba? I tried. “Good Lord willing, I’m not going anywhere. Not planning on it anyway.”
“But you won’t be writing your column anymore, Timmons”
A slight chill tickled the back of my neck. Of course Bubba was probably off base – but did he know something I didn’t? Could he know something?
“What are you talking about Bubba?”
“Two cents, Timmons! How can you write your two cents if there ain’t no more pennies?” And there it was. Bubba howled with laughter as he hung up the phone. Where are those aspirins?
Two cents, which is about how much Timmons said his columns are worth, appears periodically in The Times. Timmons is the chief executive officer of Sagamore News Media, the company that owns The Noblesville Times. He is also a proud Noblesville High School graduate and can be contacted at ttimmons@thetimes24-7.com.