2-11-26

Valentine’s Shopping, Bubba and ‘Tudes

Do you have a Valentine’s Day present yet? I admit I’m a procrastinator and with the clock ticking, I was starting to sweat. So as much as I hate online shopping, I was sitting at my desk surfing some websites that my wife likes.

What?

Yes, I was at work but I do company work on my time so why can’t I do my stuff on company time? Heck, I use the same philosophy for getting my hair cut during the work day – it grew on company time, didn’t it?

So there I was, perusing and sweating. Truth to tell, my better half doesn’t really care what I get her. She just appreciates being appreciated – yes, I am indeed a lucky man. But I want to get her something she’ll like, so I stress over it. But it was my lucky day, her favorite store’s  website was having a half off flash sale.

Of course that was the moment the phone rang.

“This here’s Roses R Us, a species service that brings 10 roses to your missus direct from our rose orchards in Italy.”

“Special service maybe?”

“Huh?”

“Never mind. What could I do for you Bubba?”

“Dang Timmons, how do you always know it’s me?”

“Well, you meant to say special, roses don’t come in 10s they come in dozens, they don’t grow in orchards and oh, I don’t know, just a lucky guess. But listen Bubba, I’m kind of in the middle of something here and-”

“Whatcha in the middle of?”

The last thing I wanted to do was try to explain my gift-buying process to Bubba. For those who haven’t had “the pleasure,” Bubba is a catalytic converter short of an emission system. If you remember the conic dunce caps we used to see in schools, Bubba had one in his size . . . with his name misspelled on it – in permanent ink.

I thought maybe I could turn the tables and get out of this call before it went too painfully long.

“What are you getting your wife for Valentine’s Day, Bubba?”

“Oh shoot, Timmons. We don’t do nuthin’ special. Now back in the day was different, but not so much now.”

“Really?” I asked. “What’d you do back in the day?”

“ ’Member going steady, Timmons? Well sir, that’s how it started. Started going steady when I was a senior, I think it was the second time I was a senior . . . or maybe it was the third time, I can’t recall.”

“How many times were you a senior,Bubba?”

“Oh, four I think, Timmons. I dunno. I think they finally done gave me the diploma because I was older than the new teachers.”

Lord help me.

“Anyways, I was head over feels and-”

“Heels.”

“Huh?”

“Head over heels, Bubba. It’s head over heels.”

“How stupid is that Timmons? Ain’t your head always over your heels? It’s about what they feel. Gosh Timmons, any idiot knows that.”

Hate to say it, but that kind of made sense.

“Anyways, where was I before I was so tudely interrupted. . . ”

“Oh for crying out loud Bubba! It’s rudely! Rudely interrupted!”

“Timmons for a guy who works with words for a living you sure get a lot wrong. It’s about ‘tudes . . . You know ‘tudes, right. Attitudes?”

How does he keep making sense in such a weird way?

“Timmons, I was crazy for her. Man I couldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep . . . all I could do was think about her.”

“How cool is that Bubba? And you two are still together after all these years.”

“What? Oh heck no Timmons. That was Wanda Fishman. She dumped me right before my fourth senior prom.”

Why do I even waste time? I hung up and went back to the flash sale only to find my connection had timed out. Pretty sure I was developing a real ‘tude.

Two cents, which is about how much Timmons said his columns are worth, appears periodically in The Times. Timmons is the chief executive officer of Sagamore News Media, the company that owns The Noblesville Times. He is also a proud Noblesville High School graduate and can be contacted at ttimmons@thetimes24-7.com.