Habitual Problems

I don’t want Mary Ellen and me to end up like our friends the Rodmans, who, up until their 40th wedding anniversary, couldn’t keep their mitts off each other, but after returning from celebrating in the Bahamas, they sued each other for divorce. They were so happy they didn’t realize how miserable they were. My diagnosis was that they had not been upfront and honest about their annoying behaviors.

“I have an idea,” I told my wife. “This evening, I’ll act out all your bad habits, and you can act out all mine. That way, we’ll both get a clearer picture of how much we annoy each other. It will add a little spice to our relationship and reveal which irritating actions we need to work on.”

I jotted down a few of Mary Ellen’s little idiosyncrasies. I didn’t want to overdo it, knowing how challenging it would be for my wife to compile a comparable list. I’m very much the perfect husband.

That night, after I returned from playing pickleball, Mary Ellen walked in from a church meeting. It was her turn to be me. She began by not shutting the door behind her, letting every fly and bug get into the house. She also tracked a lot of mud in on her shoes, but she wiped her feet on the throw rug. Hmm, she was off to a good start.

Then she popped open a can of beer and guzzled it. She wiped the beer that ran down her chin with her sleeve. After turning on the bedroom TV, she clicked on the living room TV so we could hear both sets blaring at once. Then, to nail me on my most annoying habit, she searched every room in the house, pretending she had lost her cell phone. I hated to admit it, but she was me all over.

Now it was my turn to be Mary Ellen. First, I took all the dirty plates and glasses I had left in the sink and put them in the dishwasher, but not before I rearranged the dirty utensils and put them in the proper compartments. Then I turned off all the lights throughout the house that I had left on all day. Next, I swept up all the crumbs on the floor that some slob (me) had forgotten to clean up. I also wiped down the counter because someone hadn’t cleaned up the orange juice he spilled. Yes, my wife has a lot of annoying habits, mostly cleaning up after me.

I asked Mary Ellen if she was okay with my little experiment. “Oh, yes,” she said. “Let’s do it again next week.”