Here’s 6 Predictions for 2023 . . . Sort Of

Newspapers attract the oddest people sometimes. I have had people waltz into my office to tell me about the alien spaceship that landed in their field as well as multiple folks who said they had to remain anonymous because they uncovered the JFK conspiracy and their lives were in danger.

Still, last week, topped them all.

A bearded mystery man walked in, did not wait for an invite and promptly sat down. He had the weirdest eyes and a hat that looked like one of those poofy velvet things French painters wore in the 1500s.

He didn’t say a word, just stared at me. After an awkward moment, he reached into jacket and handed me a card.

“Michel Notadumas – Teller of Fortunes, Seer of the Future, Prognosticator Extraordinaire . . . Direct from Paris.”

And then, in very small print, after the word Paris, it said Illinois.

Inwardly I groaned. It was going to be one of those days.

“OK, Mr. Notadumas,” I tried. “What can I do for you?”

He handed me another card.

“I do not speak for I see the future. There is no need for talk.”

Alrighty then.

“Well Mr. Notadumas, if you aren’t going to talk I’m not sure what I can do for you.”

He handed me another card.

“I have a list of six predictions that are going to come true in 2023. If you agree to give me the proper credit I deserve for these, I will share them with you. If you do not agree, I will take them elsewhere.”

I should be so lucky.

I sighed. “Tell you what, Mr. Notadumas, how about if you show me your list and if we use it, I will make sure to give you credit.”

He handed me a sheet of paper. On it were indeed six predictions. Mind you I am not saying I buy any of these, but a deal’s a deal so – straight from Michel Notadumas – here you go.

6. The Indianapolis Colts, fresh off one of the most embarrassing seasons in NFL history, announced they could not reach an agreement with the city of Indianapolis on a new lease at Lucas Oil Stadium. The team is seeking a new location and approached Noblesville. The city politely said no thank you.

5. A group identified as Working On Keeping Equality – W.O.K.E. – announced that they were starting a national movement to rename Gen. Lew Wallace’s epic work, Ben-Hur to Ben-Them. When a journalist pointed out that Hur was simply a name and was even spelled differently than Her, the group replied “pronouns matter.”

4. After winning election to the U.S. Senate, Noblesville’s Victoria Spartz declared her early candidacy for a presidential run in 2028. Spartz said that after the mess Joe Biden left, America was a lot more like her home country of Ukraine than the vibrant growing land it used to be.

3. Hamilton County, along with Noblesville, Westfield, Fishers and Carmel, announced that every stoplight would be eliminated by 2025 and replaced with a roundabout. Former Carmel Mayor Jim Brainard, now the chief loan officer for the World Bank, said he applauded the decision. Sheridan promptly announced it would add two stoplights for fond reminiscing purposes.

2. Hamilton County became the first county in the nation with four cities over 100,000 population after Westfield and Noblesville topped the mark. Fishers now has more than 150,000 residents, Noblesville is still growing at 110,000. Westfield is just under 102,000 and Carmel is still at 100,001. Coincidentally, the Greyhounds’ girls swim team increased its record to 100,000 wins in a row as well.

1. In a surprise move, Cicero, Arcadia, Atlanta and Sheridan are considering a merger and becoming Hamilton County’s fifth city. If approved, the new city would take the first letter from each town and name itself CASA. The new city’s slogan would be “Mmi Casa, our Casa – and don’t you forget it!”

Michel Notadumas left my office. I doubt we ever see him again, but in the very unlikely event any of these predictions come to pass, I would usually ask that you remember you read it here first. This time, not so much.

Two cents, which is about how much Timmons said his columns are worth, appears periodically on Thursdays in The Times. Timmons is the chief executive officer of Sagamore News Media, the company that owns The Noblesville Times. He is also a proud Noblesville High School graduate and can be contacted at ttimmons@thetimes24-7.com.