THE WHOLE TRUTH FINAL
My wife says I’m not a spiritual person. The most spiritual thing I do is occasionally shop at Whole Foods, a place for people who seek organic, pure, chemical-free food. Personally, I prefer food that has preservatives. At almost 80 years old, I can use them, and they are cheaper than a facelift.
My wife loves Whole Foods. But for a long time, I wasn’t a fan. Whenever I was in that area of town, I always stopped by just to pass the big window in the front of the store and laugh at people eating tofu pizza. After all, it’s all about the journey, isn’t it? See, I’m getting more spiritual, already.
Over the years, we have shopped at many grocery stores (you know what a grocery store is, right?), but for some reason, I don’t like buying food at places where you can also buy a hammer, a microwave oven, or an unassembled bed. So I avoid shopping at Super Target, Walmart, and Meijer. These are not whole-food stores; they are half-food stores.
At Whole Foods, most everything on the shelves is edible. Except for those things that are fat-free, sugar-free and gluten-free, which it seems IS pretty much everything.
Last week, I was intrigued by a display touting a new organic product. I picked up the shrink-wrapped bar and tossed it into my basket. The next morning, after I showered, I told Mary Ellen I didn’t think the soap lathered well. “Of course not,” she said. “That wasn’t a bar of organic soap; it was a bar of organic cheese.” I must have smelled pretty good, because when I went out for a jog, several mice followed me around the block.
As I have written before, Mary Ellen is very health-conscious. She buys almond milk, skinless chicken, salmon, broccoli, and granola. When I shop, I smuggle in hard salami, white bread, and my favorite, creamed spinach. Creamed spinach might sound healthy, but a serving contains 27 grams of fat. Not something even Popeye would recommend.
When I go to a regular supermarket like Kroger, Mary Ellen insists on accompanying me. I am always on a very short leash. Sometimes I want a treat. I’ll even beg for it. Once, I rolled over in aisle 3, hoping to score a bag of chips. Mary Ellen said no, but I did get a great belly rub from a very nice older woman. I sure wish Mary Ellen treated me more like a dog.
Whole Foods does have an interesting display of magazines. On the covers of most of these publications, you often see the words Yogi, Yoga, or Yogurt. One selection featured the headline: THE ROAD TO RENEWAL. That intrigued me until I realized it was just an ad to get you to sign up for another year of the subscription.
My favorite was another new age magazine with the headline:
WHAT TO TAKE ON YOUR JOURNEY
I was finally starting to feel spiritual. What would be on this list? Self-reflection, a measure of introspection, and a positive attitude?
No, it was sandals, a swimsuit, underwear, and plenty of sunscreen.
Congrats to Viking Cruises for a well-placed ad!
