Dick Wolfsie

Mary Ellen and I were relaxing on our backyard deck one evening. After swatting a few mosquitoes, I said, “You know, sweetheart, we should look into screening the porch.” “Yes, Dick, you’ve been saying that every year for the past five years.” A few minutes later, I mentioned how quickly the summer passes once the…

Five years ago, while the world was in the throes of COVID, I started looking through some of my wife’s old cookbooks. I was preparing Mary Ellen for the next pandemic. I also found a couple of editions of books written by manners-maven Emily Post, who died in 1960. Very few attended her funeral because…

The Wolfsie household is a happening place. Mary Ellen keeps asking, “What happened here?” She knows something has happened, but wants to see if I’m responsible. But she always knows it’s me. I hear these words every day, sometimes more than once. The question arises when I am left alone at home or when Mary…

My birthday is coming up— in about 9 months—but don’t give it any thought. I have already bought myself the perfect gift from the Brookstone website. The Brookstone Pillow Universal TV Remote Control: “Never again will you have to ask, ‘Where’s the remote?’ And you’ll never lose it in between the cushions. Why? Because it…

This is a true story, but admittedly it did happen many years ago. I’m revisiting it this week because once again, I locked myself out of the house.  This time it was in broad daylight, and I had all my clothes on, a distinct improvement from what I did about 20 years ago. It’s worth…

“What is this?” Mary Ellen inquired the other day as she dangled a doodad in front of my face. It was small, white, plastic, hexagonal, and had several grooves.  “It looks like it goes to something,” she said.  “I don’t know what it is,” I responded, which I prayed would end the discussion, but I…

We recently spent a lovely afternoon with our friends, the Murphys. They told us about their new house and the two-week vacation they were planning throughout Europe. Anticipating that we had equally thrilling news, they asked what was exciting in our lives.  “Oh, we’re getting a new washer and dryer,” we said proudly. In unison.…

This is a very provocative way to start a column, but I must admit something: I can’t keep my pants on. I try very hard, especially at parties, but inevitably they’re almost off by the end of the evening. So, what’s the problem? I have lost my hips. Where did they go? Who has them?…

For the past 25 years, my wife has been crucial to my success as a humorist.  She’s complained about my napping, sense of direction, and messiness. She’s told me how scatterbrained I am. She has been the well I went to when I needed material for my weekly feature. I don’t know what I’d do…

“No,” I said to my wife. “They can’t do that again. It will completely mess us up.” She knew I was correct. When it first occurred seven years ago, I lamented about the problem in this column, and now it was happening again: The city was changing the pickup day for recycling. It was going…